Why Does Lindsay Lohan Have a Personal Assistant?

I spent the morning opening and closing tabs on my web browser sifting through news stories for a topic to write about. Naturally, I went straight to my bread and butter, Lady Gaga. She has a new song and video and I was disappointed to see it wasn't horrible. Then, I read up on the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, and was disappointed to find that is very horrible. Desperately searching for the Goldilocks Zone of horrible, I googled Lindsay Lohan: bingo. Her horrible is just right.

Elinore - Lindsay Lohan's assistant
Elinore the Great (Coffee Retriever)
Last week TMZ reported that Lindsay Lohan's personal assistant resigned her position, claiming she was physically and emotionally exhausted, and had had enough of Lindsay's demands.

First and foremost, what the fuck is Lindsay Lohan doing with a personal assistant? She hasn't been in front of a movie camera in like three years. Does she need someone to carry around her massive duffel bag filled with Xanax, plastic gallon jugs of vodka, and binders of court orders? Lindsay Lohan doesn't need a personal assistant, she needs a fucking sponsor.

Second, who does this "personal assistant" think she is? Sweetheart, you're not "resigning" a "position." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld resigned from the Bush Administration—you quit. Let's be real here, you got drunk with Lindsay Lohan, had a threeway with her and a homeless guy, and ran her to In-N-Out Burger at 3am, stoned. That's not a "position," it's a gig, and a pretty sweet one at that. So before we get all Watergate with resigning positions, maybe you should invite yourself back to reality and embrace the fact that you quit a gig, and the only position you resigned is mouth-to-ass with coked out club flies.

If you go and take a gig with Lindsay Lohan, how does one anticipate that panning out? "Oh, working with Lindsay is great, we are up at 6am for a run, then yoga, then egg white and spinach omelets, then I get her over to NPR for an interview with Terry Gross. Of course, first I prep Lindsay on Darfur, the World Bank, and Keynesian economics on the way to the studio. Then, a late lunch with Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg to discuss an HBO docudrama about Guantanamo Bay."

I think it's probably more, "Ugh, I'm so fucking high right now. Lindsay just bought an M16, a kilo of coke, and some grenades off this Columbian guy who calls himself The Gentleman, and there's a dead kangaroo wearing boxing gloves in my truck and I have no idea how it got there. Where the fuck did we get a stainless steel Halliburton briefcase filled with deviled eggs?"

I refuse to believe anyone who has seen a TV in the past five years could anticipate any other series of events unfolding.

Keeping this in mind, Lindsay, if you are reading this, I am currently searching for new employment and would love to meet with you for an interview. I don't mind carrying duffel bags.

More from PIC:

Andrei Trostel's picture

Funny stuff Bill.

However, I spent WAY too much time trying to figure out in my dyslexic brain if "mouth-to-ass" was really that bad, if one was o.k. with each isolated activity. At first I laughed at the ew factor, but then realized that if one was going to do anal and oral in the same session then "mouth-to-ass" was really the only way to go. It would really be the dreaded ass-to-mouth that would be the position/gig to give up/quit.

See what I mean? WAY too much time on the concept of mouth-to-ass or ass-to-mouth, with coked out club flies in mind, for my comfort level.

Now if you excuse me, I need a shower.

Bill Dixon's picture

I defy ass-to-mouth, mouth-to-ass seems more accurate to me just on the mechanical level. think about trying to put your ass on someone's mouth. The other way seems more logistically feasible. But then again, I'm not an engineer.

Gordon Dryfus's picture

I think this is less a discussion of semantics. You two are talking about two different concepts. Bill seems to be describing Rimming. While, Andrei seems to be talking about a Dirty Sanchez.

Am I wrong?

Andrei Trostel's picture

Well, you are mostly right Weijore. I see from Bill's response that this is definitely a semantic issue. He is clearly talking about "rimming" when he used the phrase "mouth-to-ass" in the article.


I got caught up in the way it was presented due to my dyslexia and the common phrase "ass-to-mouth" which is something completely different than rimming.


Although, I am NOT talking about a Dirty Sanchez which is actually something else as well.


I was talking specifically about "ass-to mouth" as opposed to the more sanitary "mouth-to-ass" as far as chronological logistics of a woman receiving anal and giving oral in the same session.

I would also like to add that one of the reasons I love Points in Case is for comment sections just like this.


I like how the comments section has degenerated into a discussion on assplay. And uh, mouth-to-ass seems less... I dunno, disgusting? Ass-to-mouth sounds too toilet seat.

Gordon Dryfus's picture

The Library of Congress suggests that authors use the term Rimming in place of "mouth-to-ass."

Ms. Firecrotch is a waste of space...not to be insensitive or anything.

Mike Lamb's picture

That homeless guy? It was me. And now I'm addicted to smack. Thanks for nothing, Lindsey.