When did you first arrive on your owner’s bookshelf?

Infinite Jest: I arrived on the aforementioned shelf in Owner’s sophomore year of college. She read an interview with a high profile actor she had a crush on—an intellectual type with 6 advanced degrees who had starred in a series of stoner comedies—and thought she should give me a read.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Like most millennials, she pre-ordered me 5 months before I was put on shelves and then waited in line for the midnight release dressed as Dobby's sock.

Have you ever been read from start to finish?

HP: I’m the finale of the most popular children’s series in the history of publication, of course my girl has read me from start to finish—multiple times.

IJ: No. Owner has never read past footnote 24. She did carry me around a lot, however, usually when she was going to meet her gentleman friend, Jerry, for a cappuccino.

If your owner could bring three books to a deserted island, would you be one of the three?

HP: Absolutely.

IJ: No.

When was the last time your owner read you?

HP: This morning.

IJ: December 14th, 2017 the year of La Croix Coconut Sparkling Water. She moved me from the shelf to her nightstand because she was having Jerry over. He was impressed that she was a “DFW stan” and had her read passages from me as foreplay, I quite enjoyed it.

HP: Oh yeah, that was one of the days she moved me from the shelf to under the bed.

That’s interesting. Why did she put you under her bed?

HP: It’s a game we play, kind of like how Harry Potter was forced to live in a cupboard under the stairs for the first 11 years of his life, feeling small and insignificant, she does that to me too. But with us it’s just for fun.

IJ: She was simply embarrassed by you. She was trying to impress Jerry and didn’t want him to see you on her shelf.

HP: That’s ridiculous. She has a Deathly Hallows tattoo, she’s not embarrassed of me.

IJ: She covered up the tattoo with makeup every time she saw him.

Let’s move on, what’s your Owner’s favorite part or passage from your pages?

HP: Page 489 “Mudblood, and proud of it!” spoken by Hermione Granger.

IJ: Page three, “I am in here.” I am not certain it’s her favorite but she has read it a lot. Usually after she’s started another attempt to “finally read Infinite Jest from cover to cover.”

Who’s more likely to be used in the event that a fire is desperately needed?

HP: Definitely Jest.

IJ: Me.

Would you say you like your owner?

HP: She’s my best friend, the love of my life, I put no other human before her. Except for maybe J.K. Rowling and the cast of the Harry Potter movies.

IJ: No. She once used me as a wedge to keep her couch from tilting.

Can you tell us something embarrassing about your owner?

HP: Of course not! You’d have to dunk me in a cauldron of Veritaserum before I told you anything embarrassing about her.

IJ: I have something. Jerry broke up with Owner when he discovered she’d used me as a wedge for the couch. He screamed about not respecting genius and dedicated a whole blog post to the incident, it was wildly shared on Facebook by 23-year-old males.

HP: That’s not an embarrassing story, that’s a liberation story! She was way too good for him.

Where do you see your owner in five years?

HP: Sitting on a park bench, Harry Potter tattoo uncovered and out for the world to see, reading me to her new beau Charles, a member of the house Ravenclaw.

IJ: I don’t believe I’ll be seeing Owner in five years, she’s moved me to a box labelled “Jerry.”


Will you tweet or share this article? Circle YES/NO.

Join other PIC writers in a comedy class at The Second City online (10% off), or subscribe to our newsletter for all-new articles (100% free).