10 Expressions That Really Piss Me Off

Useless and annoying expressions you can stop using now.

Annoying words and cliches - guy tearing paper with teeth

Warning: The following material contains offensive language; poor attempts at humor; untimely and inappropriate references to male and female genitalia; extremely long, eccentric, and needless descriptions of things that never really happen to people; a touch of caffeine-fueled intensity; a dose of alcohol-fueled creativity; an infinite load of "un-called for" and misdirected anger towards things that DO NOT actually affect me on a daily basis (or at all); a medium amount of truth; a hint of romance; a low amount of intelligence; and an embarrassing amount of useless adjectives... all of which indicate that I probably need truck-loads of medication and years of therapy. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED.

1. "It is what it is." (Closely related to its rotten cousin, "Things are the way they are.")

Well thank you so fucking much, Gandhi!! Before you say something else intelligent, please allow me to tie this noose around my testicles and hang myself upside down...for fear that you may utter something else that over-stimulates my intellectual capacity.

2. "I have a book that might help you."

2007 Penthouse Magazine - Golden Delicious
I hope you're not fond of words.
And I have a book that might help you...the 2007 issue of Penthouse Magazine. You might like it. YOUR SISTER IS IN THAT ISSUE!

I guarantee you won't make it to the age of 30 without at least 10 to 15 people saying this to you. But if you think about it long enough, and if you carefully consider the person who says this, you'll eventually realize that HIS LIFE IS EVEN MORE FUCKED UP THAN YOURS!! And, consider the author of the book. God!!! Can you imagine how fucked up his life is? I mean, why else did he write the fucking book in the first place?

If you have a book that might help me, please do us both a favor and put that book back where it belongs: IN YOUR ASS!!!

3. "Wherever you are...BE THERE!"

Let me get this straight. I'm supposed to BE...wherever I AM? Well holy jumping balls of green shit!! Thank you, Mr. Newton. I wasn't quite sure if I'd been applying enough effort to this one or not. You know where you usually hear this phrase? At one of those bullshit high school assemblies or one of those "mandatory" college gatherings where they pack you all into some lecture hall like a bunch of sardines so you can listen to some jerk-off motivational speaker who can't get a job doing anything else. (Well, unfortunately he did find a job telling YOU about the facts of life.)

This phrase is basically bullshit because it implies that you should pay attention to every single situation you find yourself in. Well, okay, there is some logic to that...but what if you're at an insurance seminar, or a bank line that runs all the way into the street, or on the phone listening to elevator music while you wait for a service representative from your credit card company to tell you that your card is being cancelled because you purchased too many French ticklers and dildos trying to impress your girlfriend.

Or worse yet...

What if you're in a dentist's office on a 110-degree day with beads of sweat running down the crack of your ass while you get old, neglected teeth yanked out of your crotch as your dentist keeps absent-mindedly re-telling you the story about how he accidentally got a fishing hook stuck in his testicles because he drank too much beer out on the river one morning?

I mean, for fuck's sake!! There ARE situations when you're allowed to let your mind wander a bit. So wherever "you are"...reach "over here"...AND JERK ME OFF!!!

4. "Idle hands are the devil's workshop."

This phrase is just as fucking bad as the last one. I don't like this phrase for two reasons:

The Devil's Workshop
Even the devil has to just eyeball it occasionally.
Reason #1: It implies that if I get bored at any given moment, I'm automatically going to do EVIL SHIT!!! "Oh jeez, I was going to go torture and mutilate a small animal right before raping, killing, and destroying an entire village of helpless, screaming people right after I steal someone's car, take a shit in my neighbor's yard, fuck my best friend's sister, get involved in the drug business, and burn down a few churches...but...nah...I think I'll volunteer to help bag groceries down at the supermarket instead." Give me a break!!

Reason #2: It implies that the devil himself has absolutely nothing better to do than sit around and wait for me to get bored!! Sounds kinda pathetic to me. If idle hands are the devil's workshop, then tell the devil to fondle my balls...I'm too fuckin' lazy to do it myself.

5. "You gotta do what you gotta do."

Yeah...okay, and I gotta do what I gotta do...which involves locating people like you and running you over with my truck.

6. "Attitude is everything."

So is bungee jumping without a cord. You should try it sometime...

7. "You never really appreciate what you have until it's gone."

Oh yeah...well I really appreciated my SANITY before I started talking to you...you bone-headed prick!!!

8. "I've got a really good deal for you..."

Well, I hope part of this deal involves a price-reduction on Band-Aids and stitching equipment...because my asshole is still bleeding profusely from the last "good deal" you gave me.

9. "If you want something bad enough...it will happen."

Who are you, the fucking tooth fairy? If this statement is really true...then how come I haven't been cornered, tied down, abused, and repeatedly violated by a naked, lonely, frustrated, sexually-hyperactive jungle-woman with absurd body piercings and erect nipples? I've wanted that to happen since I was 6, but it still hasn't happened. STOP FEEDING ME EMPTY PROMISES!!!

And finally...

10. "I can't believe you behaved that way last night....what were you thinking?"

I'm only going to say this one more time. I'm sorry I started throwing money at your sister last night. It's not MY fault she started dancing topless on the bar. You know...we wouldn't be fighting like this if your brother and your dad hadn't talked her into it...

Continue to Part 2, "10 MORE Expressions That Really Piss Me Off" »

C'mon, one more:

Gavin Pitt's picture

Heh. Funny stuff. I also loathe to hear "Let's agree to disagree", "Do-Gooders", "Bromance" and "You have the right to remain silent; anything you say may be used against you in a court of law"

Wesley Jansen's picture

Yeah. Those also highly qualify to make the list. Along with "Hey, I've been meaning to speak to you about something" and "We need to talk"...I've noticed that whenever I hear those two phrases, IT NEVER TURNS OUT GOOD!!!

But now that I've been on the international scene since 2007, there have been a few other phrases that I've gotten really tired of hearing over the past few years.

For example:

....Which is Chinese for "You are very drunk. Please go home."

넌 아주 술에 있습니다. 집에 갈하시기 바랍니다 which is Korean for "You are very drunk. Please go home."

...and I'll never forget ...

".Çok sarhoş. ülkeyi terk edin."
...which is Turkish for "You are very drunk. Please leave the country."

Gordon Dryfus's picture

haha. Google is amazing.

Keke DeVille's picture

:) I like.

I hate "let bygones be bygones". I will most certainly not. Or "all's well that ends well". No. If I got anally probed, eaten by zombies, pissed on by R. Kelly and then I suddenly find out that I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance, that does not just negate all of that other shit. ......

Oh, and "Over the Moon" I just hate that. I also hate the name Becky, but that's another story.....

Gordon Dryfus's picture

Me rikey. I think there should be a "reich" button (for the Nazis out there).

I hate anything that includes the words "cliche" and especially "trite." These two words account for 90% of pretentious commenting. It's trite and cliche to use the words "trite" and "cliche."

Lyle van der Berg's picture

I am in full agreement with this list. I also have some of my own additions.

"Bless you": Why? Just because somebody violently expells air or some sort of liquid from their nose, does that make them more deserving of Ra's affection? I have it on good authority that my Eternal Sun God does not take kindly to those weak enough to be rendered useless by germs, dust or pollen. "Rome wasn't built in a day": I know. It was an enormous fucking city and empire. Just because some useless construction worker estimated that it would be done by 5 o' clock doesn't mean you should believe it!

And another thing, I think you are being too hard on the Pied Piper of R & B Keke. Do you know how wonderful golden showers are for the skin? Look at that girls face! Her skin is as smooth as a pornstar vagina! Maybe it's because she's an underage girl, or maybe it's R. Kelly urine.

Andrei Trostel's picture

Oh how I love a good rant! Nicely done Wesley.

One expression that always annoys me is "He's good people." I have no idea what the fuck that means. Does that mean that they have the worth of several good people lumped together in one giant amoebic mass, or does it mean that they actually have multiple personality disorder and all of their personas are decent as opposed to those who have psycho killers mixed in?

Also I have to ask because I simply don't know, but does Penthouse Magazine only put out one issue per year? If that's true that would be really funny that Penthouse actually puts out less than pretty much every other magazine on the planet.

Wesley Jansen's picture

Wow. First of all, let me say thankyou for all of your inspired responses. I'm glad this one reached a few people. When I was a child, I would often twinkle my toes as I let soft and pleasant thoughts dance gleefully across my mind like beautiful, female dancers on a heavenly stage...and as I gazed up innocently at those magnificent stars above, I used to pray, "Dear Lord, if I ever become an angry, belligerent, hate-fueled, alcoholic tornado of destruction with a severe case of hopelessly irreversible NPD (narcissistic personality disorder), please let me spread my messages of hope and glee to people all over the world"....(which this article is clearly doing)

Ha ha ha. OK, sorry about that. Anyway, I forgot a few:

"I love you and I really want to try to make things
work" (to which the proper response is: "Wow, that really softens my heart and brings a tear to my eye...Would you tell your boyfriend to get his beer out of my refrigerator, please?")

and also...

"It always gets worse before it gets better" (to which the proper response is a middle finger and a kick to the genitals)

PS (Hey Andrei, I sincerely hope that Penthouse makes more than one issue per year....because I live in Asia...and Asian porn really sucks...no pun intended)

On a final note, now that I've been living in Asia for so long, I have forgotten what good porn is really all about. In other words, when it "comes" to finding better porn...I might need a "hand"...

(Ok, I have to go back to grading papers before I get fired for being on this website all day long)

Brian Jones's picture

The American phrase "I could care less" never fails to baffle me. Is it intentionally stupid or simply an ingenious piece of linguistic trickery designed to melt my brain with confusion?

Grasshopper's picture

Exactly! The first time I saw this was from Nate and I assumed it was laziness, but it is quite prevalent amongst all yanks. Why why why?

Gordon Dryfus's picture

It's called "Commonly Accepted Ignorance as Truth." The CAIAT of America, or C of A as it is more commonly know, is responsible for such language errors as English and the Romance languages because, as we all know, every language is bastard of the impossibly perfect, life giving, warm inside, chewy, and moist language called Latin. Mmm. Mmm.

But seriously (not actually serious), no body actually cares in 'Merica.

That's because ninety percent of it speaks Spanish or Portugese.

The other ten percent is ignorant or just plain Canadian.

I think it's been used that way only by those who aren't very bright... I don't hear many people saying "I could care less." I use it all the time, but am careful to say "I couldn't care less," which actually makes sense!

It's like a Rickyism. "For all intensive purposes, it's just supply and command, man."

Wesley Jansen's picture

life giving, warm, chewy, and moist?...that was a rather interesting way to describe Latin (ha ha ha)

Gordon Dryfus's picture

I've found Latin to be a mixture of bubble gum and pussy.

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Mike Lamb's picture

I got nothing.

Gordon Dryfus's picture

Mike Lamb jeans rule the world. I guess this site needs one of those CAPTCHA thingers to confuse this spam bot.

I've read this like 5 times so far and laughed my ass off just as hard on the 5th time. 2, 4, and 5 are just awesome

You are a sad, strangle little man. But sometimes, you gotta do what you gotta do. You know what I'm sayin'?

Wesley Jansen's picture

Sad? That's not true. I was happy once....for about an hour....in Bangkok...

Anatreptic's picture

"Because I said so."

What? Are you Jesus or something? Is your word the ULTIMATE TRUTH AND REASON for all? I could wipe my ass with the newspaper and use the remaining visible letters to come up with a better reason than that.