Five Premature Celebrity Obituaries

Celebrity Death Match announcers

It was a harrowing summer of '09 for all of us. Celebrities were dropping like flies. First Michael Jackson died unexpectedly and a nation mourned. We, as a people, cried. We laughed. We forgot about all the little boy penises he touched. His music was played night and day. I couldn't leave my apartment without hearing Thriller and Bad and Remember the Time and Don't Stop Till You Get Enough, all before I got to the subway station two blocks away. Well, I did get enough but it didn't stop. It went on like that for weeks. Damn you, Jackson! Your final crime was the worst. You molested my soul.

Then, three weeks later, we found out that Farrah Fawcett died on the same day. Oops. Should we have been mourning her too? Just in case, a nation of 45-year-old men took off their white gloves, pulled out that old poster of Farrah in her bathing suit and rubbed one out with tears in their eyes while It's So Hard to Say Goodbye played in their heads.

Close friends say Jaleel White was getting increasingly distraught and losing sleep over Urkel's catchphrase.Then Ed McMahon died and the nation... well we didn't really care that much. He was 86 years old. It was his time. But we did get a little misty-eyed when that Cash4Gold commercial came on.

These things come in threes, right? We allowed ourselves to be lulled into a false sense of security. Then, BAM! Billy Mays drops dead. He was cremated and interred in a tub of OxiClean sealed tight with Mighty Putty. And we as a nation, for some reason, were more upset about this than McMahon and Fawcett combined.

Then, after two months of celebrities making it through the night, the icy cold finger of death grabbed a firm hold of Patrick Swayze's pancreas. So we all broke out our DVDs of Dirty Dancing and held our girlfriends while they cried during the final dance scene.

Well I, for one, have had enough! I refuse to be blind-sided by another unexpected celebrity death. So to prepare myself, I've written obituaries for a few of the celebrities that might be next on the Grim Reaper's list.

Zach Braff

Zach Braff with a scary dead face
Zachary Israel Braff, 1975-2010
Actor Zach Braff was pronounced dead yesterday morning at Mt. Sinai hospital in Los Angeles. The cause of death was ruled accidental burning. He was at home cooking when his PUR Water Filtration commercial came on the television. Apparently, hearing his own voice on television made his already large ego swell even more. The weight of his gigantic head along with that of his huge, protruding lips apparently became too much for his neck support. He fell face first into the stove and didn't have the strength to pull himself out of the burner.

Braff is best known for his nine seasons as the character John "JD" Dorian on the television show Scrubs. The show debuted in 2001 on NBC and enjoyed four seasons of audience and critical acclaim, then spent the next five years beating the proverbial dead horse. The show, anchored by Braff's "acting," defied the odds by staying on television long after it ceased to be relevant or entertaining.

Braff's body will have a showing open to the public next Tuesday at the Benden Bros. Mortuary. It is expected to be heavily attended in the morning by family, friends, and fans. Then it will continue through the afternoon even though most people will have lost interest. And just when it seems to be ending it will be moved to another room in the mortuary and continue, unattended, for another three days.

Jaleel White

Jaleel White laying in a coffin smiling
Jaleel Ahmad White, 1976-2010
Actor Jaleel White, better known at Steve Urkel from the popular 90's sitcom Family Matters, was laid to rest today. His widely publicized killing spree has quickly become Hollywood legend. Last week no one knew what motivated the actor's mental breakdown, but details have slowly come to light. It was well known that White came to resent the recognition he received as Steve Urkel, even going so far as to say in an interview after the show ended, "If you ever see me do that character again, take me out and put a bullet in my head and put me out of my misery."

It appears that he had recently been plagued with prank calls where someone would utter Urkel's catchphrase, "Did I do that?" and hang up. Close friends say White was getting increasingly distraught and losing sleep, as the calls where coming at all hours of the night. When he received a pair of rainbow suspenders in the mail, his girlfriend, Marion Slate, said he went into his room and cried for two days.

While walking with Slate in a park, White was accosted by a teenage boy who asked for his autograph. Delighted, White took the young man's paper and pen and began to sign his name. The young man apparently asked him to sign it "Steve Urkel" and that was the last straw for White.

In a police interview, Marion Slate said, "His eyes opened wide and went blank and he just wasn't there anymore. Then he pulled out the gun. I didn't even know he owned a gun."

White shot the teenage autograph seeker in the chest, stood over his body and said, "It looks like you've fallen and you can't get up." He then proceeded to walk through the streets shooting people at random while repeating catch phrases from the show over each wounded person. Eyewitnesses heard him say, "Did I do that?" over a jogger, "Got any cheeeeeeese?" over the body of a cab driver, and "Oh reeeeaallly," over a nerdy high school boy. When a concerned citizen tried to stop him, White shot him in the head and whispered, "Shhh! Not while I'm killing." He then turned the gun on himself, shouted "LAURA!" and fired.

A memorial service will be held next week. Actors Kellie Shanygne Williams (Laura Winslow), Darius McCrary (Eddie Winslow), and Reginald VelJohnson (Carl Winslow) have stated that out of respect for the circumstances of his breakdown they will not attend.

The Mythbusters

The Mythbusters - Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman
Adam Whitney Savage, 1967-2010
James Franklin Hyneman, 1956-2010
The bodies of Jamie Hyneman and Adam Savage, stars of the popular Discovery Channel show Mythbusters, were discovered last night at M5 Industries, Hyneman's special effects workshop. Details are sketchy as to the cause of death. Investigators found the two men's bodies in quite a puzzling state. Heyneman's upper torso was covered in third degree burns. Investigators said it would appear that he was accidentally caught in the path of an explosion due to an experiment gone wrong except for the fact that his legs appear to have been frozen solid by liquid nitrogen.

Savage was found across the room behind a blast shield which protected him from the explosion that killed Heyneman. He appears to have died of asphyxiation from a yet unidentified gas that must have filled the room. Detectives are especially baffled by the state in which his body was found. He was naked, smiling, and holding tightly to "Buster" the human analog dummy he and Savage often used to test especially dangerous experiments.

Foul play has not been ruled out. Reports say that Grant Imohara, a robotics expert on the secondary Mythbusters team, has been held for questioning for the past two days. No word yet on whether any charges have been filed.

Flava Flav

Flava Flav in front of a blue backdrop wearing a clock
William Jonathan Drayton Jr., 1956-2010
Musical pioneer and inexplicable television personality Flava Flav, born William Jonathan Drayton Jr., died last week of an infection of Hepatitis B and liver failure. I think we all saw that coming.

I certainly hope that when these four celebrity deaths inevitably come to pass, the shock will be somewhat lessened for us, the fans, because we predicted them and had the chance to cope with the loss beforehand. However, there are sure to be many other stars out there that are coming up soon on Satan's hit list. Please take the time to think of them beforehand and prepare yourself, because if Dave Matthews pops a guitar string and accidentally severs his jugular and I have to hear his music on the street every day from people mourning the his death, I swear to God I will kill every person within a 30-foot radius of me and my Louisville Slugger.


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I'm sorry, I just really hate "Remember the Time"

you can suck my dick you shit head sucker.

FINALLY MARCUS

i've been waiting to read this since Thanksgiving!!

It was really funny. The intro had me cracking up.

And god I will join you with my girls softball aluminum bat if Dave Matthews dies.

Gavin Pitt's picture

Urkel cracked me up. Poor dude is going to be carrying that name around like an albatross about his neck for the rest of his life. Much like David "Squiggy" Lander...

btw- can I put in early dibs for the tragic deaths of Jack Black, Perez Hilton and Nicholas Cage? Preferably at the same time, in a tragic accident involving Army Ants and/or Liquid Nitrogen?!

The super all-mighty all knowing professor and observer Marcus (the man) Terry wrote:

> We forgot about all the little boy penises he touched.

Uhhhhum, yapp. So good that you _KNOW_ that since you write this crap here.

Don´t you understand that we do NOT want to hear/read about this shit anymore? No one will ever know what exactly happened, SO CUT IT OOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFF! You don´t need to spice your crappy comments like this, just to "amuse" a few readers. The guy is DEAD, AND HE DESERVES RESPECT.

Marcus Terry's picture

First off, thank you for using my correct title of The Super All-Mighty All-Knowing Professor and Observer . And how did you know that I had my middle name changed to The Man?

Secondly, are you really that mad that I made a joke... in a comedic article... on a comedy website? Come on! Sure the guy(?) is dead, unless he's planning a Tupac like return from the dead to record a few more albums, and yes he deserves respect. I loved Micheal as much as the next causal listener of pop music but I don't think it can be denied that he was a fucking weird dude. And just because he wasn't convicted doesn't mean he didn't do it. I mean, who hasn't touched a tiny penis at some point? I know I have. Gavin, back me up here.

Have you jumped on every person like this who's made a Michael Jackson joke in the last 8 years? If so, when do you find the time to sleep?

Just because he's dead doesn't make him immune to jokes. I heard an Abraham Lincoln joke just yesterday that was quite funny. I didn't complain that he should be respected because he freed the slaves (a decision which I am quite fond of and still support to this day). When I suffer my untimely death sky diving or fighting a lion or doing something else equally as manly, I full expect someone to make a joke about my occasional penchant for throwing stray cats at homeless people.

So, in conclusion, lighten up. I'm a comedian and it was funny.

& Just what showcases have you been @ sir? The Laugh Factory? The Laff House? Def Comedy Jam, perhaps? Doing stand-up @ Frat-House kegger doesn't not a comedian make. I'm all for people following their dreams, but when disrespect the lives of wonderful people ESPECIALLY MICHAEL, then you sir are NO COMEDIAN. Your just another college-age whelp scratching to get a degree. You were born in the early '90's & learned about Jackson as a teenager w/ that bullshit case. You know NOTHING of his life. You know NOTHING of his soul. You know NOTHING of his work. & Let's just face it, despite being in college you know NOTHING, period.

You're in college... might I suggest some required reading:
http://dearjordanchandler.com/
http://deargavinarvizo.com/

Since you think you know so much & don't know shit from a box of grits, BE A MAN, READ & LEARN SOMETHING, you sheep. & If you refuse, then just open up your mouth & say "Bah!".

Marcus Terry's picture

As a matter of fact, I have performed at the Laugh Factory and the Comedy Store in Los Angeles as well as numerous clubs in New York City. I've also toured colleges in the Northeast. So, I'm a pretty good comedian.

But you are terrible at writing angry comments. You didn't wish death upon me at all. There's a great comment below where someone not only wishes me dead but promises to come and shit on my grave when they find out about my untimely death. THAT'S how you rant like a crazy person.
What you did was assume (wrongly) that I'm a "college-age whelp" who knows nothing about Michael Jackson. If you look at my PIC profile you'll see it states that I graduated college in 2006; 5 years ago. (BTW I have since earned my Master's Degree in Education) I was born in 1983. I grew up listening to everything Michael Jackson made and I love most of it. I am very well educated in general knowledge as well as Michael Jackson history.

Now that I have defended my intelligence. I will say this once again. MICHAEL JACKSON WAS A FUCKED UP DUDE! He may or may not have molested those children, but he probably did. This is just my opinion. I encourage you to disagree with it. But don't assume that I'm a moron because I wrote a joke about someone you happen to like.

p.s.
The Michael Jackson thing was only a small part of the article. What did you think of the rest. I hope you liked it :)

2 of the BEST Comebacks that I EVER heard! :)

Andrei Trostel's picture

Wait, did I miss a memo or something? Does death automatically garnish someone respect now regardless of what a complete freaker they were in life? So if I say, "Hitler was a complete ass" are you going to get all bent about me disrespecting him, because the guy is DEAD, AND HE DESERVES RESPECT? I mean IN his field Hitler was pretty accomplished, but that doesn't make him any less of a sick demented fucktard.

Great article Marcus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVACUjHn6yU

I wouldn't talk about being FREAK, if I were you Andrei... from where I stand, you don't look so hot yourself. Let me guess you keep handcuffs, vaseline, "Amputee Pin-Up Montly" under your bed, don't you?

If fact, since you like to judge this is for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xw8-2BXp8kA

Please watch from 0:00- 2:00... I think you'll plainly see that this fits you PERFECTLY...

Andrei Trostel's picture

Keep talking, the more you post comments today the more you are making Michael Jackson seem stable and normal in comparison.

"handcuffs, vaseline, "Amputee Pin-Up Montly"" ?!?!

Wow, just simply...Wow.

Is anyone else getting the idea that Michael Jackson is like the pied piper for the fucking wackos of the world?

The reason why you are to respect the dead, you nimrod, is that it's bad enough that everyday you awake, you bring death ONE DAY CLOSER TO YOU, disrespecting the dead brings it even closer ... you fool.

You keep forgetting that your name Andrei Trostel will be etched in a stone marker. You keep forgetting that one day in the near future YOU will be lying in a cushioned metal box... stiff, motionless, sightless, voiceless, senseless, & deaf as your family, friends & loved ones weep over you. Do you want people to make fun of you as lay dead?

It doesn't about people like Hitler or Saddam, or even a dead serial killer. You don't make fun of the dead, not just for the person who left... but also for YOURSELF because it KEEPS death from coming closer than it should. THAT'S WHY!

Enjoy your karma... you douche.

Andrei Trostel's picture

For the record, my name will not be etched in a stone marker and I will not be lying in a cushioned metal box, because I personally think that is a really weird thing to do with someone's dead body. I'm all for cremation and scattering where ever someone sees fit, instead of taking up space and putting giant metal boxes in the ground and erecting giant stones over them. Yeah, I'm sorry, but that is just weird to me.

In addition, people BETTER make fun of me as I lay dead, instead of all this weeping and sobbing bullshit. If making fun of me after I'm dead brings anyone laughter then I say go for it whole heartedly. I try and bring laughter to people in life so I can only HOPE I would even remotely be able to still bring it in death.

Let's get one thing straight though, YOU don't make fun of the dead, because of some weird "the grim reaper is coming for you" horse shit that you've convinced yourself is real. I on the other hand TOTALLY make fun of the dead and laugh at most irreverent things, because I believe that laughter is ALWAYS better than sorrow and fear.

Enjoy your misery and delusions... and try not to speak of karma while calling other people douche and spreading hate in the world yourself, because it just makes you a total joke in life, let alone a total joke in death.

Have a great day!

;)

GE's picture

This is what people do after angrily reading Readers Digest.

This person seems like an angry non-passive voiced version of Yoda after a stroke. I just imagine drool falling out of a vacant and half limp mouth as it whispers the words written above.

This person writes as though he/she believes he/she posses has the ability to Jedi mind trick us all into believing an argument that is approximately as valid as believing eternal truth is found in The Situation's mind.

Shitty article
it is worthless writing more because uneducated apes cant learn from feedback.
But guess what ? when u die no one will even remember you they might say "oh yeah u remember that ape writer... the one with the shitty articles.. thanks god he died, He ate poison cos he couldn't read the label"

Andrei Trostel's picture

Clearly your writing is SO much better.
Can anyone else see the irony dripping down the walls with this comment? I'll remember you Marcus even if you die "cos" of something.

;-P

Marcus Terry's picture

Thanks for the back up, Andrei. I don't get it. You make one little joke about an internationally beloved figure using little boys as finger puppets and suddenly YOU'RE the bad guy? What has this world come to?

Andrei Trostel's picture

Wait, who are you again?
HAHAHAHAHA

Seriously though Marcus, I don't get it either....MJ is internationally beloved?
;-P

I wholeheartedly agree w/u. It was a shitty article. But what's even worse, is calling a African-American man an ape. I don't like this LITTLE BOY. I think he has A LOT to learn. But I won't stand for someone calling him an "ape". It's derogatory. End of story.

Super All-MightyDumbass

Your MJ "joke" aint funny it is disgusting and if there is stupid people talking shit about that man without knowledge of what really happened then they will stay in the stupidity.
And it wasnt funny either to read about the other people considering I only read about the first lines of it.

The summary is that you like being just one more asshole. Saying " I did it because everyone has done it for the last 8 years" its a LAME kindergarten excuse.
I hope you jump down a cliff or into an active volcano when it goes trendy
you, idiotic dumbass

Andrei Trostel's picture

Funny story: I tried to jump UP a cliff once and nothing really happened at all. Then I thought, wow, I really wish people would be more specific when they are talking about directional cliff jumping, because up doesn't do shit compared to down or the more popular off, thereby just letting gravity figure out the directional specifics. So then I went and found an active volcano (there are a few where I am from) and I jumped into it. Granted it was just a big hole I dug since active volcanoes don't ALWAYS consist of giant lava filled holes (again specifics matter) but I have to say that I don't think the experience will ever catch on. The few people who saw me do it just gave me a strange look. So then I started wondering how I could get these other people on board with the idea, so I started talking up volcanoes everywhere I went. The general consensus seems to be that everyone pretty much thinks active volcanoes BLOW!
Thus I don't think they will ever be trendy.

;-P

Marcus Terry's picture

MDH, you got my title wrong it's The Super All-Mighty All-Knowing... you know what, never mind. Rest assured that I have both the depth perception and the sureness of foot to keep from falling off a cliff or into a volcano or into any other gaping chasm (insert "Your mom's vagina" joke here).

And I find it offensive that so many people are rushing to Michael Jackson defense "without knowledge of what really happened." True, I don't know if he fondled those little boys. I don't know if he held their litte scrotums in his bleached white hand and rolled them around like meditation balls. But you don't know that he didn't.

Now, I don't need to resort to name calling or wishing for your untimely death to disagree with you. All I have to say is you have a point there. I don't know what happened. But until I am given indisputable proof one way or the other, I reserve the right to make a joke. I'm sorry that we disagree on this issue but I hope we can maintain a mutual respect for each other's right to an opinion and freedom of thought.

...Turdburger

The article is really funny, but the comments are even more hilarious xD

mythbuster is dead? so who gonna solved some mysterious in human life

http://fbwallfail.blogspot.com/

Is this supposed to be funny?

Do yourself a favor he bitch... go fuck yourself (altho this piece of advice shouldn't be new for you because you do it anyway since your always HOME on Saturday nights). Be that as it may, someday you'll leave this world too... & when you do, I really hope your family will send me word. Because in lieu of flowers, this little lady plans on showing up @ your gravesite w/ some T.P. & a gut full of E-Lax & Wheat Chex Oat Bran.

This is totally creepy... and disgusting.

Can you guys shut the fuck up because you're flooding my email. No one cares. kthnxbi :)

Andrei Trostel's picture

Anonymous (Julie),

Can you shut the fuck up, because no one gives a shit about your flooded email. Especially when there is a link to click within each email that says, "Stop receiving emails when someone comments on this post" AND a box to uncheck that says, "Notify me of follow-up comments posted here" when you posted your "flooded email" horse shit comment.

kthnxbi ;)

GE's picture

Haha. Somebody is actually getting notifications.

Don't write anothe article...just post the comments lol