I Am Your New Passive Aggressive Fitbit and I’m Stoked to Give You Anxiety about Your Resting Heart Rate
What’s going on in that head of yours that’s got you so worked up while we’re just sitting here hate-scrolling through your ex’s Facebook?
Tag: Tech
More Accurate Descriptions of Your Facebook “Friends”
- Your uncle’s third ex-wife. - Bullies from the 7th grade whom you like to keep tabs on just in case.
I’m an Aesthetically-Pleasing Instagram Graphic about Social Justice, and I’m Here to Do Absolutely Nothing
I’m a hip font on an eye-catching background. I’m a cake that says "end white supremacy." I’m a black square.
This Is PayPal, Informing You That Your Account May Be Compromised
Have you been getting some emails that seem Phishy? This is PayPal, btw. The real PayPal. How can you know? You’ll get a gut feeling inside.
eLearning Teacher Tricks (From Ghost Hunters)
Turn on a television set in a dark room, dial into a channel that only plays static, and place both your palms against the glass.
A Series of Communiques from Your Former and Forever Meal Delivery Service
For free shipping on those meals, send a follow-up text with promo code: YESYOUCANTRACKMYPHONE.
Your Newborn Infant and Other Props That Will Take Your Thirst Traps to the Next Level
Your Four Grocery Bags So You Don't Have to Make Two Trips: These are overstuffed, precariously placed, and definitely digging into your shoulders.
My Latest Job Rejection Email, Translated
We hope this message finds you and your loved ones healthy and safe. (We hope you have other things going for you, like parents with substantial savings.)
The Real Reasons These Inventions Were Created
“I was tired of pissing my pants.” ---Gideon Sundback, zipper (1909)
Cartoon Character or Financial Tech Startup?
Cartoon character, beloved by children for their goofy, sweet, and mischievous antics, or actual fintech startup?
Spotify Algorithm Baffled by Sudden Fascination with The Wiggles
At first, I thought, maybe it’s because he’s been streaming a lot of Tame Impala lately and there’s some kind of strange Australia connection there.
I Am the All-Knowing Supercomputer Programmed by White Guys to Be Super Inclusive
Kyle and Derek began training me on all subject matters of the world like philosophy and what Derek would refer to as “dank-ass internet shitposts.”