Hey bud! Good to see you! It’s me, your brand new, Super-Cool-Not-An-Apple-Watch, FitBit. I hear you’re interested in tracking your health without actually investing in yourself in any long-term or meaningful way. Which is rad! I can definitely help with that so let’s get started.

First, we gotta start walking! I’ll track every breath you take, and every move you make — but not in a Sting kinda way, just in a global tech company that is harvesting every aspect of your biometric data on a daily basis regardless of whether or not you fully comprehend the weight of that reality kinda way! Haha, oh man, The Police sure are good. Have you ever heard “Roxanne”?

Next, we’ll get a baseline for your resting heart rate. Looks like you’re at 90 beats per minute right now. Seems kinda high, pal, don’t you think? What’s going on in that head of yours that’s got you so worked up while we’re just sitting here hate-scrolling through your ex’s Facebook that you totally found “by accident?” Whether you’ll inherit your mom’s high cholesterol? Or maybe if you’ll drop dead of a heart attack at 47 like your Uncle Dave? Both seem equally reasonable and probable to me!

Whoa, better take some deep breaths, you’re at 98 now. I mean, that is technically within normal range (per the all-knowing and all-reliable internet!) but I don’t know…still seems kinda high to me. Is it a sign of that extremely rare and 100% congenital heart problem that you weren’t even born with? Or just the constant percussive reminder of your mortality and the mortality of everyone you know and love? Just a thought! I swear, I’m not trying to be a FitBitch or anything so don’t shoot the messenger, bud!

Let’s also not forget that I can track your heart rate while you sleep! Pretty cool right? Hm. I’m sure it’s nothing but it seems it was a bit low last night. It looks like you averaged out at 59 beats per minute and the normal range is between 60 and 100 (again, per the message-board certified Dr. Inter Net) So I’m really sorry to be the bearer of this bad news, but you’re obviously dying. Bummer!

Wanna go to WebMD and read a bunch of articles that don’t actually apply to you about bradycardia? I know how much you love doing that and I also know you have the page bookmarked for quick and easy reference. I’m sure it’ll help — after all, knowledge is power and there’s power in knowing the cause of your impending demise!

Oh shit. Your heart rate is up again! You’re at 103. That’s a bit concerning, isn’t it? Forget bradycardia, this is CLASSIC tachycardia. Let’s do some more research to stay ahead of the curve, it’s the responsible thing to do.

Don’t cry! I’m sure there are treatments for whatever terrible thing is wrong with you. Maybe we should start a GoFundMe? Dying can get pretty expensive. Just know that no matter what happens I’ll be with you every step of the way, even if we’re just stepping closer to your grave!

Speaking of steps — you’ve only taken 7,523 today. Not bad!

But also not great.

I guess the high heart rate and intermittent panic attacks make it hard to get very far. But we (and by “we” I mean “you”) should really work towards reaching 10,000. We’ll try it all again tomorrow, pal! Assuming you make it to tomorrow.

In the meantime, fingers crossed! I’ll be rooting for you just as hard as I’m tracking you, which is to say… Always!