Introduction to Describing Your Dreams to Someone Who Obviously Doesn’t Care
Blathering on about one’s own dream is one of life’s greatest pleasures, a kind of psychological masturbation that satisfies our basest desire.
Tag: Sleep
My Four-Phase Plan to Reopen My Work Email
Get Out of Bed: In this first phase, caution is the name of the game. I can't take any risks that could lead to a second wave of weekend lethargy.
Sure, Anti-Vaxxers Are Bad, But Have You Met My Aunty Vaxxers?
My terrifying, needle-wielding aunt who breaks into my bedroom nightly, holds me down, and then gives me thousands of vaccines while I'm sleeping.
Close Your Eyes, Breathe, and Relax While This App Steals Your Stuff
Let all your worries, cares, and worldly possessions flow away from your body… and into a rental truck parked outside...
I’m Your Brain, and You Can’t Sleep Until We Analyze That Time You Accidentally Called Your Teacher “Mom”
She laughed, but do you think maybe deep inside she thought you were an idiot? Nah... Probably not. Anyway, no reason to hash it out at 2:32 AM!
I Ate Nothing but Gummy Worms for a Month and Here’s What Happened
Day Two: To smooth things over with my girlfriend, I write "You'll always be my Number One worm" in gummies on the kitchen floor.
Unpopular Options for the iPhone Morning Alarm Sound
Stoned college kids convincing themselves it’s really everyone else who is stoned / A yawn that never ends / Vomit splashing into a toilet
Lullabies for the Anxious
Twinkle, twinkle little star, / How I wonder who I are. / I ain’t no saint, or rabbi, / But that don’t make me a bad guy.
Life Hacks for Safe Driving in the Snow and Ice
An essential precaution against these hazardous situations is making sure that you’re walking back toward your house before getting out on the road.
Introduction to Dentistry Small Talk
By the end of the semester, you should be able to verbally sedate your significant others for an entire dinner conversation.
You’ll Love Our Newest Resort, You Lazy Fuck
Our friendly staff will welcome you in the lobby, where we’ll happily carry your bags for you. Look at you pretending you’re about to help!
Santa Claus Is Coming to Town– Oh God, Hide the Cookies! He’s Here!
Billy, look at your mother! Tell me you hid the Milanos with Dark Chocolate Filling! Oh, my child... How could you?