Billy, look at your mother! Tell me you hid the Milanos with Dark Chocolate Filling! Oh, my child... How could you?
None of your sinful behavior will ever prevent you from leading the life of a professional athlete. You've just got to choose your sport wisely.
For years Muhammad Ali was challenged by the elusive simile. He was plagued by its power, unable to express his unorthodox fighting style with poignant, poetic beauty.
I will not be fooled again, because I have learned to speak sports' hieroglyphically constructed language. Here is my gift to you fellow victims: A Partially Definitive Guide to the Terms of Sports.