I Am Very Uncomfortable in the Leadership Role You’ve Assigned Me: The Guy at the Front of the Conga Line
Do I look like the life of the party? It took me a solid ninety minutes to work up the nerve to even step out onto the floor!
Tag: Satire
I’m a Lawyer, So No, You’re Not Allowed to Criticize Me for Defending Child Slavery
While I try to have a thick skin about all this, I must admit it’s pretty disturbing when I hear a critic imply that I’m in some way morally culpable for the clients I choose.
Without Cream Cheese, the Country Will Fall
The lifeblood of American society, the oil that lubricates its gears and allows the cogs in its national wheel to turn, is cream cheese.
The True and Indisputable Meaning of Christmas
Remember the true meaning of the holiday: Getting some $15 shit from Target and being done with it.
Excerpts from “Maynard McClelland, Bathroom Detective”
The toilet was pristine. I placed the back of my hand on the porcelain. Cool to the touch.
SORRY I HAVE TO YELL OVER THE MUSIC IN THIS NIGHTCLUB BUT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU’RE SUCCUMBING TO ENNUI BRO
LISTEN BRO. JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN ALWAYS COME TO ME WHEN YOU’RE FEELING THIS WAY BRO.
A Call to Retire the Phrase “Have a Safe Flight”
How does one appropriately reply to “have a safe flight”? “I, too, hope I make it to my destination intact.”
We Are Discontinuing Your Favorite Underwear
But our new line of Terra® products is now made of cost-saving, eco-friendly burlap, with ties and closures of jute twine!
History’s Great Orators Segue Awkwardly into Plugs for Squarespace
That’s where SquareSpace comes in. For just nine score and nine cents, you can receive six months’ subscription, plus a free domain name.
I’m Your 40-Ounce Water Bottle, and This Has Been an Emotional Rollercoaster
I started to worry once I took a few tumbles onto the driveway. The damage was limited—I am made of steel—but the emotional injury is everlasting.
Welcome to Friendly Skies; Get Ready to Be Punched in the Face
Whatever your personal weird fucking deal is, it won’t end well for you, so best not try to start it with us.
For a Nominal Fee, I’ll Scream at the School Board on Your Behalf
I’ll scream your name as many times as you’d like, or, as a new feature, I’ll rip my shirt off to reveal another shirt with a picture of you screaming.