An Orangutan’s Review of the Restaurant He Just Broke Into
It had just recently opened the moment I turned the corner, as I have no object permanence.
Tag: Satire
An Open Letter to Shark Experts and Statisticians
It's not like I’m going to be walking in the park only to be attacked by a stealthy vending machine that pops out from behind a tree.
My Fellow Henchman, I Noticed You Don’t Have My Number Saved
I was craning to see if you laughed at the Minions meme I sent and saw my contact name was just my number with "Maybe: Neil" under it.
It’s So Good to Catch Up Now That My Life Is Finally Going Better than Yours
You know what they say: you can’t live in the past, when all of my achievements paled in comparison to yours.
Reasons for Unsubscribing Besides “I Don’t Want to Receive These Emails”
- I am not interested in emails such as these. - My passion for these messages has with time been exhausted. - I am interested in not receiving these emails.
The Superhero Known as The Vegan Fends Off Home Invaders
“Vegan! Give us ze classified recipes and ve vill let you live!” The Vegan’s former best friend-turned-nemesis, General Draganov, shouts.
Join My WhatsApp Group for Unnecessary Updates on Our Kids’ School Bus Route
It might be a good idea to post messages after each kid is picked up so that we know that the bus has not disappeared into some space/time continuum.
A Letter from Ginger, the Crime-Solving Tabby of “The Maple Tree Mysteries” Book Series
My life has been nothing but cutesy crime solving and I’m over it. I’d rather get spayed again than have to solve one more cozy mystery.
Lyndon B. Johnson Addresses Congress Regarding John F. Kennedy Going Away to a Farm Upstate
It is sad, yes, but he is in a better place. I am told at the farm there is a little pond with some swans in it.
I Really Shouldn’t Have Worn a Suit on This Camping Trip
“We’re not in the boardroom anymore, eh fellas?” I said. But Ross seemed genuinely injured.
So I Hear You Know Photoshop
Would you mind making me a logo for my new insect-dessert business? I was going to hire someone, but they wanted to charge me a few hundred dollars.
Hey Neighbor, Will You Please Watch Me Write My Screenplay?
You may have noticed by now I’ve not typed a single word in over three hours. Don’t be alarmed. It’s all part of the process.