Hey Neighbor, Will You Please Watch Me Write My Screenplay?
You may have noticed by now I’ve not typed a single word in over three hours. Don’t be alarmed. It’s all part of the process.
Tag: Satire
You Should Quit Social Media Because You Are Being Pursued by a Hideous Creature of Your Own Making
People are buying your data. What people? Well, maybe not people in general, but definitely the hideous creature you created.
Mom, Dad, I Think I Might Be Disney’s First Gay Character
Remember how I never explicitly say that I’m gay, and instead always couch it in weird innuendos?
I Apologize for the Clown That Was Juggling at Your Grandfather’s Funeral
He never juggles with some cheap-y plastic bowling pins and always uses solid wood ones with sparkly decals. Using bargain pins is disrespectful.
Some Complaints I Have with the Garden of Eden
Too much fruit: I've eaten six tons of papaya, 3,500 grapefruits, 0 apples, 700 oranges, more grapes than I can count, and a plethora of colorful berries.
Theoretical Physicist Michio Kaku Asked Me to Stop Sending Him These Solutions to the Grandfather Paradox
Anyone who tries to create a paradox gets stopped by theoretical physicist Michio Kaku and his incredible superpowers.
Yelp Reviews of My Toddler’s Restaurant
Having never been to a mandatory restaurant before, I wasn’t sure what to expect, but Marshall-Chase-Spiderman-Sit-Down-Now was delightful!
If You’re Gonna Haunt My House, You’re Gonna Haunt by My Rules
And your little ghost friends? They can’t spend the night. All of you swirling around in a big circle above the roof.
Sure, My Right to Marry Might Be Overturned, but Am I Bringing Strange Energy to This Dinner Party?
Has that ever happened to you? Where your body is moving but your mind starts to dissociate? I bought party hats! Who wants one?
What Your Favorite Taylor Swift Album Says About Where You Were at the Time of Lady Ashby’s Murder
"Fearless" -- You see the glass as half-full, not half-empty. That includes the glass of tea which you brought to Lady Ashby the day she died.
My Job Is Amazing Even Though My Boss Is a Bloodthirsty Hammerhead Shark
Kevin demands only the best from his employees. He constantly circles my desk to “check in,” especially when I’m on my period.
Do I Regret It?
Do anteaters regret doing whatever the hell it is they do all day? I wanna say eat ants, but I'm not positive.