For the record, I like it here. No place is perfect, though. Even the Garden of Eden. That said, I am grateful for the opportunity to live here. But I do have a few suggestions for an improved residential experience. And no, Eve didn't put me up to this. This was all my idea!

Too much fruit.

The variety of fruit is incredible! In the brief time I've been here, I've eaten six tons of papaya, 3,500 grapefruits, 0 apples (I'll get to that later), 700 oranges, more grapes than I can count, and a plethora of colorful berries. That said, I'm thinking there's a problem with this diet. Almost immediately after eating, I feel like I can run a marathon. But then, about an hour later, I feel like I got hit by a Snoozeadactyl! Any idea how we might work some protein into the diet? I don't know what protein is, but I'm guessing it would have properties that might help me manage my blood sugar better.

Could we get some more people around here?

You did read the room correctly. I was talking to myself a lot—just blabbering to fish and rocks and clouds. I'm guessing you kept looking up from your other activities and going, “what's he saying? Is he talking to me?” So, that's why you created Eve. She's great. I'm less lonely now. In fact, I rarely get a moment to myself. Speaking of, we're starting to repeat our conversations. There are only so many times we can talk about not eating that forbidden fruit in the middle of the garden. Why don't you take a few of Eve's ribs and really get this party started?

Climate suggestions.

I never really thought about the weather until Eve showed up. I was never too cold nor too warm. In fact, I think she invented those words! I already told her the weather here is literally perfect, but she disagrees. I don't know what the solution is to the problem. Perhaps we could have separate climate zones? Is that asking too much?

Career options are somewhat limited.

I know you put me in charge of the beautiful and diverse flora and fauna. I just never thought of caretaking as anything more than a hobby. Are there any other careers I might pursue? I took a personality test that said I might be a fit for professional Bocce Ball. What do you say?

There's one resident giving Eve the “ick.”

It's this snake. Very unpersonable. Doesn't even have the decency to slither on the ground like the other snakes. He just sits in that damned tree and talks to us with a lisp. I get the vague sense he's smarter than he lets on, what with the fact that he knows human talk. Anyway, I don't know when this snake guy is due to check out, but I'm worried we're not the only residents he's making uncomfortable.

Those flaming sword guys, what's their story?

I would never leave. But I could leave, right? Those winged creatures at the gate wouldn't stop me? I know you're into that mystical/fantasy genre, but the celestial Seraphim might be setting the wrong vibe. I asked if they knew where to find the restroom (Eve was too afraid to ask), but they just stared onward with the fury of a thousand suns.

The tree-shaped elephant in the room.

I don't want to screw up the entire history of humanity by getting drunk one night on honey mead and eating something I shouldn't from the “Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil.” Can you just move that tree somewhere else? Perhaps out of the garden entirely? No offense, it kinda seems like you're setting us up for failure.

That's all for now.

I haven't been able to locate the suggestion box, so I guess that should have been my first complaint. If you've been peering over my shoulder, I hope you can forgive some of my earlier, more contentious drafts.

P.S. What is this platypus creature supposed to be? It's freaking me out.