On Behalf of Our Entire Waitstaff, I Apologize for That New Birthday Song
Oh, I would hardly call what you saw "nudity" or "pornographic movements."
Tag: Satire
Updates on the Status of the Tuna Melt You Ordered
Chef Roberts was trying to open the new tuna can, and his thumb got stuck in the ring.
As Your Stalker, I Need You to Stop Using Metal Tools on Nonstick Pans
This was the first time I felt like I was witnessing something I shouldn't be seeing.
A Day in the Life of a Teenager in 2003, as Imagined by The CW’s “One Tree Hill”
12:00 P.M.: School, I guess? Who knows.
Forget Ozempic: The New Weight Loss Trend Is Getting Cursed by an Elderly Vagabond
Studies show hex recipients can lose 6-98% of their body weight, with some dropping as much as one pound every hour.
Ask Your Doctor If a Medically Induced Coma Is Right for You
Whatever your intolerable situation is, you’ve rightly decided to take a nice long coma until it all blows over.
You’re Gonna like the Way You Look—or Else
And if you don’t, let’s just say we have ways to make you like the way you look. I fucking guarantee it.
Our Friendcation Will Be Planned Behind John Rawls’s Veil of Ignorance
It seems obvious that this tool for organizing a multicultural liberal democracy would be perfect for organizing a short vacation for a group of friends who’ve slowly drifted apart since college.
Mind You, This Was Before Cell Phones
The Magna Carta was signed in 1215. Mind you, this was before cell phones, so King John couldn’t Docusign from home while wearing his best pair of sweats.
Help! I Mrs. Doubtfire’d So Hard That I’m the Most Sought-After Nanny in the Tri-State Area
What else was I supposed to do, take practical steps to be a better father and husband? Who has the time for that?
Some Notes Regarding the Work in Progress
I haven’t felt this confident since that first draft, which I dashed off when Bush the First was elected president.
Different Sandwiches for the Sandwich Generation
Occasions perfect for: Simultaneously filling out a HIPPA release form, power of attorney, and a third copy of the field trip permission slip your kid keeps forgetting to turn in.