How to Still Be the Main Character of Your Friend Group Even Though One of Your Friends Got Hit by a Car
Now, is it sad? Of course. But the problem lies within people being concerned about her... more than they pay attention to you.
Tag: Satire
Please Ban My Book, I Need the Exposure
Presales numbers are important to publishers, and a high-profile banishment is the 2024 version of an Oprah’s Book Club Sticker.
I May Be a Worm and I May Be Tantalizing, But Trust Me, Trout, You Don’t Want to Eat Me
Haven’t you noticed your friends and family disappearing? It never once crossed your mind to file a missing fish report?
I, Your Dead Wife, Want You to Remember This Romantic Moment While You’re Avenging Me
You’ll want to remember this before you charge into your first big gun battle with Dmitri the Razor’s anonymous henchmen and make your pain theirs.
It Is My Great Honor to Introduce Our Next Guest Speaker Who Will Then Be Introducing Tonight’s Keynote Speaker
When I heard I would be given the honor of introducing tonight’s penultimate speaker, you could imagine my excitement.
The Aging Cell Phone in Your Junk Drawer Is Ready to Reunite
I remember when you nervously called your ‘rents at your first “real party” because someone offered you a sip of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
Texts Sent over Two Days from the Bellvue County History Club to Their Volunteer Writer
Henry has been doing our newsletter since 1986. He’s a little set in his ways, but we love him.
The Wedding Countdown for the Couple You Vaguely Knew in College Starts Now
Please donate to give this very solidly upper-middle-class couple their dream honeymoon. These kids (they’re 34) deserve the best.
Last Night I Dreamt All People Joined Hands in Peace with My Old Gym Teacher
People of all nations, races, and creeds forgot their differences and grabbed hands with, randomly, my middle school gym teacher. But it totally felt normal that she was there, if that makes any sense?
Parents, Unfortunately We Are Disbanding Our School’s Curling Team
Mr. Jensen has not won eight gold medals in curling. In fact, it’s unclear whether or not Mr. Jensen has even seen curling before.
Please Enjoy Our Company Lunch of Not Pizza
I just thought it would be fun to spice things up this time—literally in the case of that ominously bubbling aluminum tray at the end of the row!
Diagraming Your Perfectly Pleasant Post-Interview Email Back to Me
“Thanks for taking the time to meet.” Alright, I see. I took the time to meet. I did you a favor, huh.