My Name Is, Uh, Señor Greenwood, and I’ll Be Your Substitute Teacher Today
Now, I should say that I don’t speak Spanish, but I do speak un poquito Spanish. Is that bueno with everyone?
Tag: Satire
Our President Is Like Many Different Types of People I Know
Every time I’ve been to a dinner party with our president, he sits next to my problematic uncle, and they talk practically in unison.
Nowhere Am I Safe from Assumptions
When I go to work people assume, just because I drive an ice cream truck, that I must really love ice cream, or that I sell ice cream.
I’m Mozart, Damnit, Don’t Just Leverage Me for Studying
My music isn't something you stomach for the sake of increased brain function. Save that for the cod liver oil.
I Am Having Trouble Carving My Wife’s Likeness into a Pumpkin in Such a Way That Captures Her Raw Sexual Energy
The farmer at the pumpkin patch is threatening to stop selling me any more pumpkins because he thinks what I’m doing is “fucked up.”
This Test Tests Your Professional Competency at Taking Tests
A slew of multiple-choice questions that are, at best, only tangentially related to your actual performance or knowledge in a professional capacity.
I Trust My Boyfriend, But I Would Trust Him More if I Had All of His Passwords
Is it so terrible that I want transparency? And the permanent ability to login to his Twitter whenever I'm feeling a little fucking insane?
Although I Have Been Dead for Over a Decade, I Still Rise from My Grave Every Fall for a Pumpkin Spice Latte
Climbing out of my grave, I savor the autumn air before dusting off my outfit: an oversized cardigan, plaid scarf, Uggs, and Lululemon leggings.
I Wrote the “Cool S” on Every Bar Bathroom Wall, and the Pandemic Has Been Hard for Me
Some of my other ubiquitous work is "Call Your Mom" and "Single-Line, Semi-Erect Penis and Balls, With Hair Sprigs."
I Am Netflix’s Ridiculous Sound Effect
I come from a long line of well-known, obnoxious sounds. My father was the blast from a cruise ship, my uncle was the exhaust rattle of a Harley.
Hi! It’s Me, the Girl Who Bullied You Relentlessly in High School and I’ll Be Your Coronavirus Nurse!
I haven’t thought about you, but I’m sure you’ve thought of me plenty between the scars I left on your psyche and my popular, unprofessional TikToks.
Missing the Orchard? Try Our Virtual Apple Picking!
Boxer is our farm goat and he loves meeting people. Don’t be alarmed if he tries to bite the screen since he doesn’t fully grasp what a laptop is.