Please Stop Using Me, A Polar Bear, As the Poster Child for Climate Change
I wanted to send an official cease and desist but my lawyer melted in 2016 so now I have to speak for myself.
Tag: Life
I, the Kid Who Always Slept Through Your Freshman English Class, Would Like to Connect on LinkedIn
Who better to speak to my abilities than someone who was around me during my formative years, which I spent using Romeo and Juliet as a pillow?
Recently Discovered Letters: USPS Collection Notices to Eminem’s Stalker “Stan”
Truth is, all of us at USPS are trying to reach you/Because you checked off premium shipping without paying for that feature.
I Will Not Apologize for Wearing My Sleep Apnea Mask to Our Third Date
Also, need I remind you, I didn’t try to lasso the waiter with it---I did lasso the waiter with it.
We’re Going Green! My Neil Young Tribute Band Is No Longer Using Gasoline-Powered Instruments
At our first show without the droning hum of our generator, it was scary to launch into our opener, a cover of “The Big Rock Candy Mountain.”
It Was Hot Girl Summer, Now It’s Early Pregnancy Fall!
Enjoy hiding your emerging pregnancy bump under cozy oversized sweaters and finding the best OBG/YN for your star sign.
Out-of-the-Box Ideas for Combatting Climate Change Since We’re Probably Doomed Anyway
Flood solution? Plastic bags. Let’s collect them all and combine them into one giant, country-crossing, water-catching, plastic bag.
Who Do You Like More, the Country or the Hispanics?
ROUND 1 The Country: Gave us Major League Baseball The Hispanics: Gave us Big Papi Winner: The Hispanics
Mastercard Bipolar Interactive Phone Network: Beta Version
Press 10 to talk to a Customer Service Representative. This is never going to happen, of course, but we all have dreams.
Stop Putting Mixtapes in Teddy Ruxpin
It’s really nice catching up like this, but I do feel like we need to have a little talk, bear to man.
Pretending to Be a Dad so Other Parents Don’t Get Jealous of Your Baller Childless Lifestyle
Delete all the photos on your social media that indicate you ever had a life before children. Replace them with a solid wall of photos of your kids.
Welcome to Hell – A Brand Book
Now you’re suspended on a wall of shard glass as rabid monkeys devour your intestines and Dave Matthews’ 2002 album “Busted Stuff” blasts on repeat.