I’m Sorry I’m Only an Attempted Murderer
Your family has a long legacy of murderers, and you hoped to marry one yourself. You envisioned a picture-perfect life as a convicted murderer’s wife.
Tag: Life
The “Lex Ed” You Wish You’d Had When You Were Younger
Polls show that over 80% percent of people in their late teens have tried talking in a foreign language at least once.
It Has Come to My Attention that People Think My Small Business, “Randy’s Adult Superstore,” Is a Porn Shop
We're clearly marked, "Randy's Adult Superstore"! A normal store for normal, non-sex crazed adults. What’s the issue here?
On Bread: A Deep History of a Common Food
Hundreds of generations of humans have been sustained on some sort of bread, the same food that I shovel into my mouth with abandon at Olive Garden.
Military-Grade Germ Precautions to Take Against Your Highly Contagious Boyfriend
The situation has changed, soldier. You’ve shacked up with ultimate germ vector: A human male.
I’m the Fun Mom on This Migraine Commercial and I’m Begging You, Please Kill Me
My headache thundered with every step, but we'd duel for hours with our tin-foil-covered balsa wood swords.
I Am the Orc from Your Favorite Movies
I played an orc in the Lord of the Ring movies. If you look closely, I am the grayish one with the teeth coming out in all directions from my face.
What Your Favorite Color Says About Everything You Are and Will Ever Be
Light Blue - You were born on November 17, 1994. You are 24 years old. You are male. If you were not gay before, you are now. No one knows it yet.
Honest Engagement Cards
I know we aren’t particularly close, but we do have a ton of friends in common, which means it would be a lot of fun for me to go to your wedding.
Why Doesn’t My Roommate Understand That a Witch Put a Spell on Me and Now I’m Not Allowed to Wash the Dishes
She raised a wand and twirled it in the air. She chanted, “Dawn and Palmolive, Scotchbrite and Ocelo, you’re not allowed to do the dishes no more-lo.”
Despite Advice in My 8th Grade Yearbook, I Did Not “Stay Kewl”
While I may have had a “GR8 Summer” and “hittin’ up the pool or sumthin'," I did not take your advice to be my authentic, off-the-hook self.
Oh, the Hoodies I’ve Found
1. Sept 5, 2000 - The Band One / Identifying Marks: Your HS boyfriend’s crappy ska band logo. / Acquired From: Back seat of said boyfriend’s POS car.