Unfortunately, You Have Not Been Accepted to the United States of America
You also referenced a desire to give your children a better life than you were afforded. Unfortunately, the board felt this was a bit unoriginal.
Tag: Life
The Existential Perception of Life at 6 vs. 60 Years Old
Age 6: Has pastel-colored hair to stand out in a crowd. Age 60: Spends $10 monthly to ensure ID theft protection and anonymity.
Lil Math, the Highest Selling Algorithm in Gangsta Rap, Rants About the Music Industry
I always knew I was meant for something greater, something I can truly touch people with, and get as much cash and booty in the process as possible.
Escape Room Mission Report for Susan’s 16th Birthday Party
When Lisa got bored and snuck a peek at the cobwebs, Julie told everyone about Lisa’s crush on your dandruffy history teacher.
As an Old and Bitter Movie Critic, I’m Finding Third-Act Problems in My Own Life
My life—the sophomore outing by parents William and Eloise Cunningham—begins confidently enough in suburban Nebraska.
3 Ways to Die with Dignity While Choking on an Old Band-Aid in a Victoria’s Secret
If you’ve timed it right, you will be dead before you hit the floor. Your death will look like that of a hero defending the store from a shoplifter.
Welcome to the Mundane Terror of Your Day in Court
Is this real life? This lawsuit has consumed your mind, your nerves, your days, your marriage for the better part of four years.
Interactions Adam Levine Has With People Who Aren’t the Country Judge from “The Voice”
Eating brie, Adam, his wife, friends close and warm—it’s couples night. "No I won’t take my shirt off right here! No!" Adam takes his shirt off.
A Year of No
A friend finds an aggressive dog hiding under a car. She asks if we will take him in temporarily. I know I need to swallow my fear, so I say yes.
How to Break In Your New Hiking Boots
Explain that "Interpretive Trail Hiking" won’t have a steady paycheck and encourage your boots to instead major in "Pre-Backpacking" at Bootiversity.
Dos and Don’ts for Parenting When Your “Uncoupling” Involves His and Hers Restraining Orders
Don't ask loudly and rhetorically "See why I divorced her?" of the shoppers gaping at your unholy hissyfit over her congenital tardiness.
The Complete Guide to Looking Old Without FaceApp
Ask your millennial co-worker if they need a muscle relaxer when they talk about Twitch, then find out it's not what your back does after a workout.