The Six Complaints of the Ghost of President Chester A. Arthur
1. Every portrait makes me look like a Relief Pitcher for the 1974 Chicago White Sox.
Tag: History
Prometheus Thinks You’re Going a Little Overboard with Fire
Fire's just supposed to be a pretty thing you look at sometimes. Like a lava lamp, but it can kill you.
Now That I’ve Ascended to the Royal Throne, It’s Time We Got Back to Cutting Motherfuckers’ Heads Off
We’re living in a day and age where kids think they can trash talk a member of the Royal Family on Fortnite.
Clark Kent, We Have Updated Your Ancestry DNA Results!
Our new, improved algorithm now reports that you are: 99.9% not of the human genome <1% Pacific Islander
We, the Makers of Tapioca Pudding, Are Excited to Unveil Nothing New
Over our long history, we’ve made countless non-changes to our product, from refusing to add any flavor to churning out the same muddy texture.
Oscar Wilde Gets a Little Lost in the Sauce
He could tell at once that this luncheon’s company would be quite dull, which was always exciting.
Lyndon B. Johnson Addresses Congress Regarding John F. Kennedy Going Away to a Farm Upstate
It is sad, yes, but he is in a better place. I am told at the farm there is a little pond with some swans in it.
Your Campus Tour
The college was rebuilt in 1795 by local train tycoon Silas Tother when he needed a place to quietly send his troublesome boys, Phinneas and Hellmouth.
8-Year-Olds Declare Their Independence from Eating Vegetables
The history of the present Control by mom and dad is a history of repeated standoffs in the kitchen and plates that have too many colors.
An Oral History of Your Conception
Jerry Kaufman (Your Dad): Did I think we were going to conceive a child during the Insurance Adjusters of American Convention? No.
A Connecticut Yankee Fan in King Arthur’s Court
“Yankee Stadium?” I said, pointing towards the castle below. “Camelot,” he replied. “What the fuck,” I said.
Charnstone Manor Is Hiring a Governess!
Strong candidates will fit in with our diverse and dedicated group of cryptic caretakers, silent maids, hostile valets, and cursed children.