A White House Statement on Iran for America’s Bros
The big boy used his new moon to rock nuky cappos, support beezies, and pushed a hard line throughout the Middle E-Town and beyond.
Tag: Hell
I Was Cool With the Rat Living in My Apartment Until I Found Out He Was Running a Pyramid Scheme From Under My Stove
“I see what you were doing. Building up my trust so that one day, you could get me involved in your little scheme too,” I said, holding back tears.
Introducing Rise™, the New Season by Starbucks
From our flagship hot beverage, Fiery Wrath Cappuccino™, to our new hellfire-baked goods, there’s something for everyone and everything and everytime!
Mickey Mouse: I’m Sorry I Hit and Killed Goofy with My Car, My Bad
Mickey, it might be the time to dust off those wizard skills and bring your friend back to life.
Reviews of the Moonlight Bed and Breakfast and Its Owners’ Marital Implosion
My boyfriend made the reservation and the owner almost wouldn’t let us check in because my name is Janice.
How to Befriend an Introvert: An FAQ
Will my introvert get along with other introverts? Absolutely! Tenderly move them to a safe space for them to bond over their feelings or whatever.
A Paleo-Diet Enthusiast Travels to the Paleolithic Era
I offended my hosts yesterday when I criticized their dining options. I guess they don't recognize a paleo guru when they see one.
Welcome to the Alphas Only Hedge Fund
I know you’re here because you read that Vice article that said our hedge fund is like the Wolf of Wall Street but with actual wolves. That’s true.
So You Wanted to Leave a Voicemail for Someone But They Picked Up the Phone
Drop your phone in the toilet: This makes you look cool, because every Millennial’s done it at least once in their aimless, self-serving lives.
Eulogies for the Houseplants My Dumbass Essentially Murdered
Einstein was a Ponytail Palm that my sister got me. Like the Einstein from Science, this Ponytail Palm had an eccentric intelligence, but no grace.
My Inner Voice is a Fat Guy Named Steve
I want to do well, but every time I sit down to work, Steve makes me go on the internet and google “soccer stats” and “boobs” until the day is done.
Translations of Emails from Management
Employees who disregard this mandate are urged to take oral infusions of methylxanthine before arriving at the workplace. (Drink coffee)