It’s Me, Scrub Daddy, America’s Favorite Sponge! Please Stop Using My Mouth to Clean Your Dishes
The hole for my mouth is pretty much only there for novelty reasons. No matter how hard you push, none of your cups or plates will ever fit.
Tag: Hell
Are Your Child’s Creepy Drawings Mediocre? Try Our “Kid in a Scary Movie” Art Class!
We will cover all the fundamentals, from color and composition to bloodstain patterns and anatomy.
Sure, My Right to Marry Might Be Overturned, but Am I Bringing Strange Energy to This Dinner Party?
Has that ever happened to you? Where your body is moving but your mind starts to dissociate? I bought party hats! Who wants one?
Please Familiarize Yourself with Mr. Satan’s Views Before Calling Yourself a “Devil’s Advocate”
Aside from praying for the catastrophic downfall of the entire human race, Satan's honestly a pretty reasonable guy.
I Would Be the Best Writer in the World but Oops, My Pencil Broke
The publishing world has always had a bias against writers who have never actually written anything.
My Family Is Going to Be So Surprised When I Jump Out of This Paper Refuse Bag Today, Yard Waste Collection Day
If I were a guessing man, I'd guess I was in the back of an actual garbage truck.
Girl, I’m About to Slide into Your LinkedIn DMs
I’m checking out your fine-ass certifications, baby, and damn you’re proficient.
Auto Reply: OUT OF OFFICE: For the Rest of Eternity
I can’t and I can’t even. Whatever phrase works best for you to understand that I can’t help you.
Quarterback Audibles Around the In-Laws
How can someone from Nebraska not want to talk about football, like, at all?
FAQ About the Hell Button I Had Installed in the Elevator
Q. Should I worry about the fact that people keep disappearing after using the elevator? A. I wouldn't.
And I Looked, and Behold! A Pale McRib
A demon with the head of a hamburger and the sash of an alderman materialized in my backseat. Flaps of hormone-infused beef formed his accursed lips.
I Was the Lemur Handler on “Zoboomafoo” and My NDA Just Expired
I didn’t go to Tisch so I could buy cocaine for a lemur. Plus, lemurs need three times as much snow to get going.