I’m Not the Chosen One You Need or Want
My astrology app once said that I was destined for greatness, but I thought that meant a diet tea sponsorship on Instagram or a successful Etsy shop.
Tag: Confusion
A Request from the 9 Tabs You’ve Had Open Since July
We know you opened us with the best of intentions but let’s be honest, if you haven’t read us by now you never will.
The Stories Behind the Story Behind Dan Fogelberg’s “Same Old Lang Syne”
When I hear this song, I remember how Krakenfuss kept her grocery store open on Christmas Eve. She was the richest person in town and the meanest.
How to Change Your Whole Vibe by Carrying an Umbrella
Umbrella guy controls his own narrative. Whatever secrets lie in wait within his collapsible shield, he’s not telling. His mystique is undeniable.
FAQ: Fact-Checking for New Conspiracy Theorists
Q: How can I tell if someone is trying to deceive me? A: Ever since my yoga teacher introduced me to QAnon I realized the importance of credibility.
Nowhere Am I Safe from Assumptions
When I go to work people assume, just because I drive an ice cream truck, that I must really love ice cream, or that I sell ice cream.
Although I Have Been Dead for Over a Decade, I Still Rise from My Grave Every Fall for a Pumpkin Spice Latte
Climbing out of my grave, I savor the autumn air before dusting off my outfit: an oversized cardigan, plaid scarf, Uggs, and Lululemon leggings.
I’m the Mystery Vegetable in Your Produce Delivery Box, and I’m Here to Cause Chaos
I wish you could see how stupid you look right now. Eyeing me like a curious toddler. Sniffing me like a confused caveman.
I Hope You Don’t Get Anxious When a Run-On Sentence Is Internally Fragmented (Due to Parentheses or Lengthy Digressions) Before It Is Grammatically Resolved
You are in the middle of an elaborate run-on, that due to the nature of its structure, suggests a constantly-looming-but-never-arriving closure...
Now That I’ve Started Using a Bidet, I Realize That My Butthole Is Never Where I Think It Is
Each time, I smugly think to myself, “I’m right on this time.” I am not right on. Not ever. It always seems to be further back than I think.
Here’s What That Really Cool Puddle of Water in the Middle of the Street Says About Your Gullibility
Most People Are Able to Successfully Trick You Into Doing Something Stupid: Notice how the water in this puddle ripples when you blow on it.
We Apologize to Campers Who Expected Loons but Got Lions
For example, our description page should have read, “Lull yourself to sleep to the haunting cry of lions echoing across the lake.”