I’m Not Like Other Girls, I’m a Reptilian Agent Sent to Destroy Humankind
I don’t dress for the male gaze. I dress to cover my biohazardous innards so no one detects I’m a heat-seeking scaled creature.
Tag: Sports
List: Illness-Related Feats I Accomplished at Work That Are Equivalent or Better Than Michael Jordan’s Flu Game
How about some credit for processing all invoices while my boss lectured me on "eating too many microwaved oyster and pastrami sandwiches at work"?
List: Microaggressions Endured By the Defending Champion US Women’s National Soccer Team
Stadium security: It’s dangerous, wearing something that makes you look that good. Did you get all dolled up just for me, honey?
I Am a Dad in a Kohl’s Father’s Day Ad
I’m smiling so big because I can’t wait to bite into these steaks. Just kidding! I’m a vegetarian but that doesn’t poll well with our target audience.
Join Our Revolutionary Kneepad Startup (And Intramural Beach Volleyball Team)
Some other work perks include unlimited time off (as long as it's spent at a beach volleyball camp) and partial reimbursement for uniform fees.
The USA is the Greatest Country in the World But Those Soccer Girls Need to Be Nicer
Competition makes the American dream real! But fighting to break records early in international competition while defending your title… isn’t classy.
Sports Quotes Informed by Political Philosophy
"That ball was on the line! And the whole question of borders comes from an outmoded hermeneutic treating the nation-state as a discreet actor."
List: Soccer Stadium or Game of Thrones Location?
Are you adept enough to distinguish these English football stadiums from locations in Westeros and Essos?
Dreams Interpreted By Your Aunt From Massachusetts
Falling: Your subconscious is saying that you need to go back to school or enlist. You’re falling away from your stupid wakeboarding career.
Beto’s Response to Andrew Yang’s Skate-Off Challenge
What are you gonna do next, wear Vans to a fundraiser? Actually, don’t do that, I’m calling dibs, homie.