Damn the coronavirus, it’s full steam ahead for the 2020 NFL regular season.

Now, in case your mind was otherwise occupied by, let’s say, a worldwide pandemic, here’s what you missed during a strange NFL offseason.

Tom Brady went to Tampa Bay for a bunch, because that’s what all old people do, they move to Florida. The Eagles drafted a quarterback named Hurts even though they already had Carson Wentz. Evidently, one QB who hurts all the time wasn’t enough. The Dallas Cowboys and Dak Prescott decided that while they like each other, they don’t “like-like” each other.

That’s what happened. But this is what’s going to happen. The following events are guaranteed to unfold during the 2020 NFL season. Get to an online betting site like Sports Interaction and put money down on all of these occurrences to become reality.

Do it now. Really, it’s a lock. You’ll thank us later.

Kyler Murray Goes Back to Baseball

On the eve of the season, Arizona Cardinals QB Kyler Murray reveals that baseball was always his first love and joins the Oakand Athletics. Murray sheepishly admits that the only reason he signed with Arizona last year was because he mistakenly thought the Cardinals were a baseball team

Asked why he just doesn’t play both sports, Murray says, “I don’t want to be Bo Jackson. I want to be Reggie Jackson.”

Bears Nagy Won’t Name Starting QB

Preparing for the season opener against Detroit, Bears coach Matt Nagy declines to name a starting QB between Mitch Trubisky and Nick Foles. Pundits suggest he’s playing coy to keep the Lions guessing. Nagy denies that’s the reason for his indecision. “I just don’t know,” Nagy says. “Really—have you seen these guys throw the ball?”

Trump Supports Ngakoue Trade

U.S. President Donald Trump tweets out his support for Jacksonville’s decision to trade defensive lineman Yannick Ngakoue to Minnesoat. “What happened to the days when NFL defensive lineman were named Bubba Smith and Too Tall Jones? MAGA!” Trump posts.

Wentz Tests Negatively

Eagles QB Wentz’s COVID-19 test goes horribly wrong when he sneezes while the swab is up his nose. He’s out two weeks with a dislocated left nostril.

Newtonian Theory

Patriots coach Bill Belichick is stunned to learn that the Cam Newton they signed isn’t the former NFL MVP but rather the ex-NHL goalie whose claim to fame is playing for the Chicago Cougars in the 1974 WHA Avco Cup final against Gordie Howe.

“No wonder his agent was so surprised when we called,” New England coach Bill Belichick says.

After learning that QB Cam Newton is winless in his last eight starts, with nine TD passes against 10 interceptions, the Hoodie shrugs. “Maybe we’ll just go with the goalie,” Belichick says.

Another Manic Monday

Could the Bangles beat the Bengals? Photo by: Tabercil (Wikimedia)

Ron Rivera, coach of the winless Washington Football Club, is queried about their chances of ending their skid against the Bengals. “We’re playing the Bangles?” Rivera asks. “That all-girl '80s band? Oh, we’ll kick their butts.”

Of course, he’s mistaken. Susanna Hoffs runs for a pair of TDs and The Bangles beat Washington 24-13.

Keeping Up With Jones

Cautioned about creating COVID-19 super spreaders, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones nonetheless insists on packing AT&T Stadium with fans for every home game. It appears to backfire when 14 Dallas players test positive for coronavirus.

“It wasn’t the crowd,” Jones says. “Ezekiel Elliott threw another house party.”

Allen Key

The Josh Allen-Patrick Mahomes throw-off is finally held but organizers are stunned when the Josh Allen who shows up isn’t the Buffalo Bills QB but the Jags defensive end.

Jacksonville’s Josh Allen wins the competition after he instinctively sacks Mahomes as he fades back to throw his first pass, separating the Chiefs QB’s shoulder.

Judge-ment Day

Keeping up with tradition, the New York Giants fire coach Joe Judge at the end of the regular season. Giants fans wait to see who will be the club’s sixth coach in six years.

Here comes the Judge? Nope, there goes the Judge.


Veteran football watchers are left speechless when the Cleveland Browns and Detroit Lions each make it to the Super Bowl for the first time and end up facing each other.

Looking around at the empty seats inside SoFi Stadium on Super Bowl Sunday, Lions QB Matthew Stafford shakes his head. “I knew no one would believe that this was really happening,” he says.