Hi babe, welcome! You have automatically been subscribed to text message updates from ME following our breakup. I’ll contact you sporadically throughout the year depending on how close it is to your birthday, my birthday, our breakup anniversary, or how cold it is outside. Get back together? Y or N.

STOP is not a recognized command. Please call me to confirm what you mean.

Because you did not answer my 40 calls to confirm, you have been resubscribed. Also, I miss you.

Hot girl summer is back! To be clear: I’m hot now and still thinking about you.

Special offer alert for your birthday! Reply before the end of the night for an all-inclusive hookup!!

TODAY ONLY: It’s my birthday.

Sad girl autumn starts NOW. Stop by my apartment this week and get a 100% chance of closure.

Hey. Your things are still here… for one day only! Limited supplies!

Mad girl winter has ARRIVED! You left a NEW HOODIE last time which I may burn if you don’t come in time! Get it while it’s hot!!

New year, new me. I’ve updated my policy around going to therapy. Please give me another chance! Get back together? Y or N.

Here comes bad girl spring 😉 P.S. there’s a special surprise just for you waiting in your email… it’s a nude!!

Hey! Will you be my date to my ugly cousin’s wedding? Click on the link to RSVP!

I (YOUR EX) want your input! How do you like these reminders of our relationship? To unsubscribe… tell me you never truly loved me.

Oh wow, you really did that, but letting you go is truly a sign of growth for me. You’ve been unsubscribed and will no longer receive updates from me. Text me anything, and I mean ANYTHING to opt back in!

Did you try to text me something? I already said I was letting you go. Don’t be toxic.

I had a bad day at work, you’ve been resubscribed.