Thank you so much for inviting me to your [wedding, dog’s birthday, seance, superspreader BBQ]. I [regretfully, gleefully, spitefully] won’t be able to attend due to [a lack of iCloud storage, unwillingness to move my cat off my lap, the impending collapse of the Antarctic ice shelf, a tummyache].
I’m always [elated, devastated, confusingly horny] when we see each other and I’m honored to be considered a [friend, walking dietary restriction, person who always carries Advil] in your life. I really look [up to you, down on you, like the “before” picture in an infomercial] and want you to know that if it weren't for the current state of [Omicron, Mercury in retrograde, Pete Davidson's relationship] I'd be there in [a heartbeat, the metaverse, your arms]. How are you? I've been [living the dream, googling “depression symptoms,” doing whatever the opposite of Dry January is]. My goal this year is to [write a novel, fall in love, keep a plant alive, sip tea inside an old lighthouse]. Looking forward to when we can [hang out, ignore each other's emails, demolish a rotisserie chicken, address our sexual tension].
So sorry I can’t make it, but hope you’ll accept this [thinly veiled excuse, dramatic voicemail, shitty charcuterie board, NFT of my face] instead. Hope you have a great time with your [loud-chewer lover, conspiracy theorist aunt, besties, inner demons]. It’s going to be hard to top last year’s [bachelorette party, game night, screentime, death count], but if anyone can do it, it’s [you, me, capitalism, Oprah]!
[Sincerely, Love & Light, With Regrets, Be Best],