1. You wake up, open your phone, and immediately scroll past three natural disasters to watch a video of a guy blending a Pop-Tart into a protein shake. You think, “This is important.” You will think this again eight more times today.
  2. Every conversation starts with, “Wait, did you see that thing?” You cannot specify what the thing was. It might have been a ferret in a baby swing. It might have been the Pope playing pickleball in a wet suit. The person you’re talking to nods like they know, but their eyes are flat with fear.
  3. You’ve started narrating your own life in the cadence of a TikTok slideshow. “POV: you’re at the grocery store buying blueberries because one time in 2017 you read they have antioxidants but now you only eat them to feel something.”
  4. Your inner monologue is 40% meme captions, 30% corporate apology emails, 20% song lyrics you hate, and 10% just the word “vibe” echoing in an abandoned shopping plaza.
  5. You can’t remember your best friend’s birthday, but you can recall every detail of a two-minute video where a skunk washes cotton candy in a puddle until it disappears. Sometimes you watch it again, just to hurt yourself.
  6. 6. You’ve begun measuring time not in hours or days, but in “loops.” Example: “That meeting was two Instagram loops long.” Example: “Summer 2025 has been one long loop of that guy doing the Griddy at his grandma’s funeral while balancing a Costco sheet cake on his head.”
  7. Your brain refuses to store useful information. Yesterday you learned your neighbor’s name. Today it’s gone, replaced by the knowledge that capybaras can hold their breath for five minutes. You will tell three people this fact before dinner, none of whom will listen.
  8. Every time you open a new tab, you forget why you did it. You end up Googling something like “do clouds have shadows” and then somehow you’re looking at apartments you can’t afford in cities you’ve never been to.
  9. You dream exclusively in content. Last night, you dreamed you were on Hot Ones explaining your skincare routine while eating a spicy chicken nugget dipped in candle wax. This felt normal.
  10. You’re reading this list instead of doing whatever you were supposed to be doing right now. You’ve already forgotten what that was. Don’t worry—me too.

BONUS SIGN: You lie down in the grass, feel the ants crawling over you, and think, “Finally, a real community.”