Caitlyn: I'm wearing a skort today and you know what is odd?
Andrei: Most men hate skorts!
Caitlyn: Yes well, I'm much more comfortable in a skort, to protect me from them there men.
Andrei: So what is odd?
Caitlyn: A tattoo is showing that no one ever sees.
Andrei: You mean because the skort is so short?
Caitlyn: Yes, I'm not used to showing that much leg.
Andrei: Hmmm… fascinating, does the skort allow for more leg because there is no danger of showing the goods?
Caitlyn: Yes, I probably wouldn't be wearing a skirt this short, but a skort…no worries.
Andrei: I may have to rethink the whole hatred of skorts thing.
Caitlyn: Actually, if I were wearing a skirt this short, I'd be wearing black, opaque hose.
Andrei: So the skort kills the possibility of black hose, which by the way are totally hot.
Caitlyn: Yes.
Andrei: See now I'm back to the hatred of the skort. This is all so confusing.

Since I have been labeled a "traitor to all mankind" (not the first time, mind you), I figured I would cement that little title and "out" some of women's stupidity as well, since "mankind" traditionally means everyone human. Actually, it is just much easier for me to keep track of things if EVERYONE hates me instead of JUST the men, and I like things to be balanced.

Now, it is correct that a true contrast would have been to write an article about all the things women DON'T do, but should, in order to please men. But who are we kidding, women already do all those things and you guys still ignore them to watch other guys run around on the TV. Thus, since men are from Mars and women are from Venus, this article will have a very different angle than the other one did. Luckily, for your comedic pleasure, my having almost all female friends warrants me a unique glimpse into the mind of the stereotypical female that is often hidden from men.

I bring to you now that unique glimpse in all it's glory and insanity, once again in list format.


Woman in two outfits
Bad girl gone good.
Did you know that certain things women wear are actually clever ruses to bring about a particular desired effect, or absence of an effect? Neither of which typical men actually give a shit about, which then begs the question, why are women even bothering? Of course you always suspected women of putting WAY too much thought into what to wear, but are you aware of the extent of the insanity surrounding it? For instance, take the chat at the beginning of this article. The fact that a woman would feel uncomfortable wearing a skort because it leaves them showing more leg then if they were wearing a skirt boggles the mind. Especially if you take into account that the same woman also addressed her Brazilian sugaring experience in her Facebook status.

The true insanity of a woman's mind is that she wants everyone to think she's naturally sexy, but she doesn't want anyone to know she's trying to be sexy.Since the dawn of clothes, women have pushed the envelope on what is appropriate, all the while worrying about what is seen as inappropriate to others. What I don't understand is, who is mentally setting the standards of appropriate in this society? If it is the men then I would say that about 99% of them would think that the less clothes worn the better. However, if it is the women setting the standards then I would argue that it doesn't matter, because all women think each other dress inappropriately anyway, no matter what they wear.

If a woman dresses too sexy in the workplace, other women accuse her of "slutting it up" to get ahead in a male-dominated society. If a woman dresses too masculine in the workplace, other women accuse her of "hiding her femininity" to get ahead in a male-dominated society. Women are ruthless when critiquing each others' attire, yet hate the fact that women are so ruthless with each other. So why you all would agree to buy into that bullshit just defies logic.

Besides, I have been to the beach/pool and marveled at what passes as an appropriate bathing suit these days and trust me there is very little left to the imagination. Especially when you then post all your vacation photos on a social networking site, which likely everyone you work with can see, since you "friended" everyone on the planet. So stressing about what to wear on account of standards of appropriate work attire just seems exhausting and pointless.

For the record, Caitlyn, every guy in the office thinks you are hot as hell because you have countless tattoos and a pierced tongue, demonstrating that you are hiding an extremely wild side that is carefully crafted to be completely hidden yet TOTALLY noticeable. In addition, you are incredibly smart and have a playful flirtatious wit about you that I'm sure drives all the men in the workforce crazy anyway, not to mention making all the women totally jealous of you. The fact that you are worried about showing too much leg (and a usually hidden tattoo) demonstrates a level of thought and worry that is completely superfluous to the actual reality of the situation. So you might as well just be yourself, do what you like, and be totally comfortable with it all.


Woman with self-esteem issues
Sometimes enough is enough!
I know women who shop for sexy underwear and then stress about whether or not their bra or panties are showing while wearing it. I mean, unless these same women are planning on taking off their shirt at work for an "inappropriate" liaison, what the hell does it matter what color your underwear is, if you then go to great lengths to cover it up? I know for a fact that the vast majority of these bra and panties never sees the light of day until these women take them off at home alone, behind closed doors.

If they ARE going out after work I'll be damned if they don't bring a sexy change of clothes, complete with its own set of matching underwear to go with THAT outfit, which they change into before leaving work. You must buy that underwear so that it will be seen by others, so why are you spending so much energy covering it up?

Every man on the planet has seen the "shirt pull" when a woman is sitting down in a chair. They are sitting there in their midriff top and low cut jeans wearing a pink thong and try and pull their shirt down to make sure their pink thong or midriff isn't showing. Um….hello?!? Why are you wearing all of that if you don't want people to actually see it? Because there isn't a woman on the planet who could convince me that flossing their crotch with a strip of cotton is comfortable.

Please explain to me what that is all about, ladies, and don't tell me that it is in order to "feel sexy," because I know for a fact that is a line of bullshit. The reason I know it's crap is because no matter HOW much I sincerely tell you how sexy you are, you won't for the life of me believe it. Often times you argue with me about it, even though every single guy on the street is constantly checking you out! Do you know how much time I spend trying to convince women that they aren't as ugly/fat/crazy as they think they are? So the fact that you wear sexy underwear you don't want anyone to see to "feel sexy" is just a load of horse shit.

The true insanity of a woman's mind is that she wants everyone to think she's naturally sexy, but she doesn't want anyone to know she's trying to be sexy. She wants to be viewed as highly intelligent but doesn't want people to think she thinks she is smarter then everyone else. She wants to be acknowledged for her contributions but she doesn't want to be in the spotlight. She wants people to think she is extremely talented, but doesn't want people to know how much she has worked at becoming extremely talented. She wants people to know how good she is, but doesn't want people to think she is too good for anyone. Finally, she wants everyone to look at her and think these things about her, but she doesn't want to draw any attention to herself because then people will judge her.

I'm sorry, I have to take a little break. I just got dizzy from typing in circles.

(Pause to recover from the vertigo of a woman's reality)

Body Image

Lady Gaga with taped X's on her nipples
Gone completely Gaga!
So I hope you are sitting down for this one because it may truly blow your mind. All women come with virtually the same parts, minus any radical birth defects or corrective surgery to make that statement false. So all women know what other women have in the way of their body parts. Furthermore, all men (and I say men because it IS a mystery to some boys) know what parts a woman has as well. In fact men go to great lengths to look at those body parts, often times breaking their damn necks in the process trying to get into a better position for a glimpse.

Are you ready for this? Did you know that many women actually tape down their nipples when not wearing a bra or when wearing a bra that is less about function and more about "feeling sexy"?

I have been told by women that they will actually eat BEFORE a date in order to not seem like such a pig on the actual date.I can't for the life of me understand what is the purpose of this little rendezvous with scotch tape and what I can only imagine is a very painful extraction later. Women ALL have nipples and thus I'm pretty sure you aren't fooling each other with this odd little behavior. In addition, men not only KNOW you have them too, but we WANT to see them even if it is slightly poking through a dress/bra/basically anything/blouse/top.

I mean, let's just put this into some perspective here: wouldn't you think I was batshit crazy if I told you that I was taping my penis to my leg in order to try and hide it from women or other men? I'm sure you all rationalize that you do this because you think if your nipples are seen THROUGH your clothes then someone will think that you are bizarre and obscene or something. I've got news for you though, you have crossed into the realm of bizarre and obscene the second you pick up a roll of duct tape and decide to start taping down body parts to hide them from the world. Although men DO actually view your nipples as some sort of wonderful treasure for them, there really is no sense in burying them under an X that marks the spot.


Beyonce with plucked eyebrows
There's a fine line between beauty and insanity.
There is a lot of thought that goes into how a woman projects herself, and the amount of energy that goes into maintaining that perception is nothing short of insane. For instance, I have been told by women that they will actually eat BEFORE a date in order to not seem like such a pig on the actual date. I also know for a fact that most men LOVE it when a woman will actually eat something other then a small salad or a cup of bird seed while on a date. The perception given to the man by the woman, is that she is not a "heavy eater" and thus will not seem fat to him.

News flash ladies, he is sitting across from you and has already checked you out from head to toe a million times by now and made up his own mind on whether or not you look fat. You might as well eat something so you don't have to prattle on endlessly while he's eating, because he has already also made up his mind that you talk too much.

In another realm of perception, plucking your eyebrows seems to be a ritual that confuses me to no end. I can understand if you have a Bert unibrow going on and you need to do a little thinning of the foliage, but I have known women to pluck them entirely out and then draw them back in with a pencil! What is THAT all about? I mean it is one thing to shape them into a less swarthy looking thicket, but to remove them completely, only to reapply them seconds later borders on complete insanity. It isn't like we look at you and think, "Oh she has a nice sexy thin line where her eyebrows use to be." No, we're thinking, "What the fuck is up with that chick, she looks psychotic!"

Your perception may be that your eyebrows look strange without this odd ritual, but your resulting actions have led us to think you as a whole person are completely bonkers. You were better off in our eyes with just strange, overgrown eyebrows.

Makeup in general is another slippery slope when it comes to perception. Although most guys love a "made-up woman" they also hate the fact that they later have a cathedral-style rubbing of your face on their shirt after they make actual physical contact. Most men don't know how to get that shit out of their clothes, so if you're wearing too much makeup then all we're thinking about is how we have to throw yet another shirt in the trash after a date.

(Incidentally, men, Windex is the answer to almost every stain issue on the planet from makeup to blood and you don't have to know a damn thing about laundry to use it. If you were watching those chick flicks like I told you to, then you might have picked that up from My Big Fat Greek Wedding and not had to throw out all those shirts. That's right ladies, you read it too, Windex completely removes blood from clothes/underwear. Must I tell you gals everything? Jeez.)


Operation game board
Let's talk, I've got a bone to pick with you.
Yes, this same topic heading is in the other article too. Finally, a common ground where we're all completely crazy! About once every three years I read the book You Just Don't Understand by Deborah Tannen so that I can actually continue to carry on conversations with my friends, and to remind me that men and women truly DO speak different languages. The fascinating thing about your typical woman is that she is incredibly concerned with communicating effectively, yet unwittingly doing everything in her power to make communicating with her incredibly difficult.

To be fair (and to actually still have friends by the end of this article) it is really society that "mind fucks" women on a daily basis and makes it impossible for them to say exactly what is on their mind. Instead they dance around actual subjects and make extracting information out of a conversation much like playing Operation (say that fast three times): one wrong move and BUZZZZZ, "Thanks for playing, but start all over and try again!" Phrases like, "I like him, but I don't like him, like him," and "I went shopping but I didn't go shopping, shopping" make guys just stare at them cross-eyed and give up altogether. Instead of just asking a guy if he still finds her attractive, women will ask loaded questions like, "Do I look fat in this or does it look ugly and tent-like on me?"

What has never made sense to me is why women, being all-out experts at communicating diplomatically, don't just hold a global seminar on the matter and decide to finally just say exactly what is on their mind from now on. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE talking with women just as much as I love playing Resident Evil 4. Mainly because both of these activities are not only filled with hidden dangers and adrenaline-pumping action, but there is this overwhelming feeling of being invincible when you get out alive. In the end, I guess I am just a straight up adrenaline junkie, which is probably why I not only rock climb, but most of my friends are women. Nothing beats the natural high of looking danger right in the eyes and surviving unscathed. Plus, the view is amazing.


Expensive woman's shoe closet
Coo-Coo Ca Shoe, everything is NOT alright in the closet.
I know all you guys are thinking, "Hey, shouldn't shoes fall under the wardrobe category?" To that I say, "Wow, you really DON'T understand women at all do you?" No, shoes do NOT fall under the wardrobe category, rather, they fall more under the "fanatical religion" category. The thing about fanatical religions is that they make total sense to the people in the religion and seem completely fucking nuts to everyone else.

True story: I was listening to a friend once lament about how much her boyfriend spends on "electronic toys" and how she was struggling with the idea of settling down with someone so financially irresponsible. Being a ridiculously observant person (to a fault almost) I noticed she was wearing a pair of off-white shoes that perfectly matched the color of her dress. My mind quickly calculated, at the speed of light, the chance that she found a pair of off-white shoes that matched exactly and the result I came up with was zero….zero chance.

Since this conversation took place after Labor Day, I decided as a matter of principle that something simply had to be done. During a pause in the conversation I casually mentioned that I liked her dress and how amazing it was that the shoes match perfectly (chick flicks guys, I'm telling you! "Yeah, and compliment her shoes. Girls like that." –The American President). Immediately she lit up and excitedly launched into how the dress was a bargain at only $80 and how she decided it was worth it to complete the outfit by buying a pair of shoes which she had dyed to match the color of the dress exactly! All in all, the whole outfit only cost $280 "which is AMAZING," considering that it is nice enough that she can wear it not only to work, but also casual enough to wear it "out" as well. I simply replied with, "Wow, you are right, that IS amazing." (Did I also mention I'm honest to a fault?)

I then steered the conversation back to what we were originally talking about. "So just how much did he spend on the Wii anyway?" Her answer, "Two hundred dollars… and then he wanted to spend even more on games too!!" to which I simply replied, "I understand." (What?! I didn't lie! I do understand! What's the point of owning a fucking Wii if you don't buy a game for it?! She just took what I said the wrong way, and that isn't my fault, it's hers, for not taking the time to really LISTEN to what I was saying!)

In the end, it has always fascinated me just how much energy goes into being a stereotypical woman in this patriarchal society, but what I think so few of these women actually realize is that so many of these behaviors work against them, as much as they work in their favor. Society places an enormous amount of pressure on a woman to behave one way or another, leaving all options both absolutely necessary and completely ridiculous all at the same time. They are unfortunately walking on a constant tight rope of sexuality and professionalism, acceptance and judgment, confidence and low self-esteem, sanity and insanity, and intelligence and stupidity. The problem is that men have already set fire to both ends of this tight rope and removed the safety net below, before women ever even climbed onto the rope to begin with.

Basically, women are pretty much screwed either way no matter what they do and why they don't all just rise up and kill us men or agree to stop perpetuating all this crap, I'll never fully understand. I mean technically they only need a few of us to keep the species going and they already outnumber us statistically. You have to kind of admire the strength and fortitude they exhibit, as well as their patience and forgiveness, just to put up with all of the bullshit they're desperately trying to navigate.

If there is one thing I think both genders can fully agree on, it is that women are truly one of this planet's most AMAZING creatures. (What?! That wasn't meant the way you took it! I was being totally sincere and you just misunderstood what I was saying!)

Continue to “Men Really ARE Stupid!” »