I like sluts. I like everything about them: their slutty clothes, their slutty conversation, their slutty company…the whole slutty package. I am strongly pro-slut and fully appreciate the Zen of the slut philosophy.

Two girls acting like sluts in bikinisNow I've never really agreed with the whole double standard for men and women where guys can fuck all the girls they want and still be respected for it, but girls should be ashamed of the same behavior. That's bullshit and you know it. I believe in equality. I also believe in shameless, rampant hedonism. In fact, if I could construct my own private paradise, it would be burned to the ground by Old Testament angels before the paint was even dry. But maybe that's just me. I have a natural distrust towards virtuous people.

Do you lose respect for yourself when you get laid? I sure as hell don't.You know why chicks are crazy? Because they get bitched out for acting like horny drunken animals, then bitched out again for NOT acting that way on command. Show us your tits, cover up your shame, your skirt's too short, it's not short enough, you wear too much makeup, you're not showing enough cleavage, you're too frigid, you're dressed like a whore, you're a stuck up bitch, you're a dirty slut, put out or get out, blah blah fucking blah. Too many mixed messages. I say just whore out whenever the hell you feel like it. Fuck society.

And if you (the slut hater) don't like what other people (sluts) do, what makes it your problem? Exactly. It's not your problem. Women should be allowed to enjoy sex openly, loudly, and frequently. The world doesn't need fewer blowjobs, asshole, it needs more.

Now I'm not saying you should all just throw on fishnets and Catholic schoolgirl outfits and start sucking cock left and right. Not everyone is cut out for that. But if that's what you enjoy, then fucking do it and don't let anyone give you shit about it.

“They should have more respect for themselves.”

Yeah? Do you lose respect for yourself when you get laid? I sure as hell don't. Maybe you don't respect yourself because no one wants to fuck you, or because they'd rather fuck someone else. That's a little harder on the ego, isn't it?

“Not all girls are like that, you know.”

Yes, we're well aware of that. Some girls are boring.

“They make women look bad.”

Well, we could just dress everyone up in sacks like they do in the Middle East, that way we could ignore all of you equally. Would that be better? If you answered yes, you're ugly.

“They're all stupid.”

No, only some. No single group can run a monopoly on stupid.

“They're just perpetuating the stereotype that women are all whores.”

We got another stereotype about being a bitch. And you ain't helping that one go away anytime soon.

“Women are not objects.”

Look, I don't care who you are, man or woman, until you're in my circle of friends (or at the very least a fond acquaintance), you're an object. Doesn't have to be a sex object, you might just be object-playing-shitty-music-on-jukebox, or object-holding-up-the-line-at-the-grocery-store. There's nothing gender specific about that. Only about 1 in 20 is object-with-nice-tits.

“Guys are so fucking shallow for talking to those girls.”

Cat with lipstick on its lips
“You'd kiss me if I shaved… wouldn't you?”
Maybe to an extent, but it's not just looks, it's also attitude and chemistry. What makes you think we can't be friends with a girl, enjoy her conversation, AND be sexually attracted to her? If you think guys couldn't possibly be interested in anything besides sex, you're basically saying that all girls have worthless personalities. Nice job. Way to accidentally sell out your own gender.

“Guys can be sluts, too, you know.”

Absolutely. But we don't catch shit for it. I'm trying to focus on female slut oppression here. And to be fair, girls can be pimps just as well as guys. I give credit where credit is due.

“Enjoy getting AIDS, you stupid bitch!”

Really? AIDS? Yeah, that's classy. So, active sex life = disease-ridden whore. Let's take that same logic and apply it to some other scenarios.

“What are you planning to do on your vacation?”
“I'm going scuba diving in the Bahamas!”
“Oh yeah? Have fun getting EATEN BY SHARKS, you stupid motherfucker!”


“Would you like some candy?”
“Why? So I can get diabetes, you sick little cunt?! Go fuck yourself!”
“Oh. Well what about ice cream?”


“I got two tickets to the Lakers game!”
“Well I sure hope you like being GANG RAPED IN THE PARKING LOT!”
“So…I guess you don't wanna come with me?”
“Burn in Hell!”

Or even:

“I'm gonna go to the park and fly a kite.”
“I hope you get STRUCK BY FUCKING LIGHTNING! Is it worth it?! Is it worth fucking dying over, you dumb shit?”
“This is why nobody likes you.”

So the moral is fun = death. That is a horrible way to view the world.

The 10 Types of Slut Haters

1. The Wife Beater

Who hates sluts? These assholes.

Love is the strongest emotion there is, especially when it's been lifting weights in the garage and drinking cheap Tennessee whiskey for the past eight hours.

2. The Insecure Boyfriend

Look, we both know that your girlfriend is cheating on you. You know because you have trust issues and are extremely paranoid. I know because I'm fucking her.

3. The Prude

Fine, so you're not a slut. Good for you. Here's your not-a-slut medal. Now stop bothering the sluts, they're busy doing slut stuff. This doesn't concern you.

4. The Lesser-of-Two-Evils Slut

Sure, so maybe you blew a horse that one time, but that other bitch blew two horses at the same time. That's just fucked up.

*Author's note: I do not endorse equestrian fellatio in any way, shape, or form.

5. The Angry Virgin

Who's throwing a wicked awesome hate party in Misery Castle? You are! Maybe you'll even get laid this time with a pity fuck! Spoiler alert: it ain't happening.

6. The Secret Slut

Your boyfriend was hanging out with a bunch of slutty drunk girls while you were busy cheating on him. He's such an asshole. You should fight those bitches for trying to steal your man. Then you should dump him for being a jerk.

7. The Jealous Wife

You know the hottest thing about the girl in the Spandex shorts and sports bra jogging down the street? She's not nagging the shit out of your husband. He's fantasizing about tits and quiet time.

8. The Jilted Ugly Girl

Oh come on, like you couldn't pick up some dorky fat guy. Look in the mirror and lower your standards accordingly.

9. The Broken Man

Christ, it was ten fucking years ago! Quit brooding and get over it. Nobody wants to hear your “They're all the same” speech again.

10. The Jesus Freak

Maybe if you hung out with more sluts, you'd lay off the kids and back alley male prostitutes. Just saying. Jesus partied with whores. You think you're better than Jesus?

What you need to understand is that sexual repression leads to madness. Every aborted orgasm crawls back up inside your spine to haunt your brain forever. Once it hits a thousand you go on a killing spree. It's true. God told me so.

And if you're concerned about the risk of sexually transmitted diseases, remember the following three things:

  1. Sluts are awesome.
  2. Condoms are cheap.
  3. You are a coward.

“Wow, you must really hate women to glorify sluts like that. Is that all you look for? You must have some serious intimacy issues. You need to grow up. Do you even know what it's like to have a conversation with an intelligent independent woman who has even the least amount of self-respect? I'll bet you're probably a virgin because no woman will ever talk to you. You seem like a real asshole. It's people like you that make the world a miserable place. You obviously…” (Continued barking, gradually fading out and becoming faint white noise.)

Sorry, you lost me after wow.

So remember, the next time you see a slut, treat her with respect and kindness. Because a world without sluts would be a dark and terrible place.