There's been something bothering me for some time now and I feel it is finally time to throw my hat into the ring and give my official two cents on the matter. What I want to discuss is the music genre of dubstep, and more specifically, Sonny Moore, better known by his stage name Skrillex.

Skrillex aka Sonny John Moore
Sonny John Moore, but My Name is Skrillex.

I see a lot of my friends commenting on Facebook about how dubstep is just a bunch of noise that isn't even remotely music. I've heard people say that Skrillex's music is akin to what it would sound like if Transformers had sex. But by far the thing I've seen most about Skrillex in particular is how odd his hair is, being partly shaven yet long at the same time. In general, there just seems to be a lot of hatred, mockery, and animosity surrounding this genre of music, especially where Skrillex is concerned.

So first of all, I just want to say, FUCK YOU, WE HAD A PACT! No seriously, we had a fucking pact and you are violating it in every single goddamn way, which incidentally makes me want to fucking stab you repeatedly in the goddamn eye! Back in the day, we agreed to NEVER be like those closed-minded, soulless, boring ass twats who grew old and lost all of their edge. We made that pact in the mosh pit. We made that pact as you caught me after I stage dove off the highest speaker. We made that pact as you held me up while I crowd surfed. We made that pact while nursing our headaches the next day in school while our ears still bled from the previous night's concert. I don't give two shits how old you've gotten or what real life adult bullshit you've got going on currently, we made a fucking pact and fuck you and all your current closed-minded horseshit for breaking that pact! I wish you all the luck of the world, because when I get done with you, you're going to fucking need it. Shout to all my Lost Boys though who are still making good on their pact. "Bangarang!"

Are you telling me that you can honestly listen to this music and not feel it deep in your fucking soul?! Come on man, get your shit together, we used to laugh at those hypocrites who "claimed" musical superiority all the while closing themselves off to anything new and different. We used to scoff at all those ignorant old bastards who tried to lecture us on what was and wasn't considered music. We relished in the delicious irony of the dumbasses who listened to edgy music in "their time" while hating on the current edgy music of the day. Exactly when did you become one of these asshats and please explain to me why I shouldn't make good on our pact and end your pointless life right now?! That's what we said, remember? "Please just fucking kill me, if I ever act that closed-minded when I get older." Well "friend," I'm a man of my word, unlike you apparently, and I have every intention on making good on our pact and helping you to drop dead and fucking die…1 & 2!

However, before I put you out of your misery, let me drop some music wisdom on your now old and failing useless mind. The electric guitar was called noise by those who people now mock as closed-minded and short sighted. Jerry Lee Lewis was called noise by those who people now mock as closed-minded and short sighted. Led Zeppelin was called noise by those who people now mock as closed-minded and short sighted. The Sex Pistols were called noise by those who people now mock as closed-minded and short sighted. The Synthesizer was called noise by those who people now mock as closed-minded and short sighted. Industrial music was called noise by those who people now mock as closed-minded and short sighted. Ministry was called noise by those who people now mock as closed-minded and short sighted. Nine Inch Nails was called noise by those who people now mock as closed-minded and short sighted.

See a pattern developing here, grandpa? Dubstep is called noise by those who people WILL mock as closed-minded and short sighted! All I ask of you, just open up a little bit more and recognize that this type of music is no different than every other kind of music that challenged the current idea of music that came before it… which incidentally makes it fucking great. That's exactly what rock ‘n roll has always been about since the beginning.

Forget about the fact that Skrillex was nominated for five Grammys and won three of them, let's talk about this idea of his music sounding like Transformers having sex. Exactly WHAT about the sounds of Transformers having sex isn't cool as shit, except for the fact that there aren't actually any female Transformers?! Are you telling me that you can honestly listen to this music and not feel it deep in your fucking soul?! Are you telling me it doesn't make you want to involuntarily dance around like a fucking spaz in the same exact way that music used to make us want to dance around like a fucking spaz in our steel-toed combat boots?! If that's the case and you really have lost all your edge, then you certainly don't deserve that smokin' hot Suicide Girl that you married. In fact, I'd be willing to bet the reason she's totally unsatisfied in your relationship now is because you don't know how to excite her anymore by bringing anything new and stimulating to her world, like you used to. Here's a little tip, if you want to once again be that scary monster who makes that nice sprite scream, "YES, OH MY GOD," then I suggest you beat your girl up with the drums as the bass makes that bitch cum.

Oh, by the way, did I mention that Skrillex got The Doors back together for a music/film project called Re:Generation? The fucking Doors man, ALL OF THEM! Even Jim Morrison had a speaking part in the song where he prophetically foretells the current state of music, demonstrating that he had more musical sense back in 1969 than you simple-minded fucks do today with roughly half a century more knowledge at your fingertips: "The new generation's music will have a synthesis of those two elements [indigenous music and rock ‘n roll] and some third thing… It might rely heavily on electronics or tapes. I can kind of envision, maybe, one person with a lot of machines, tapes and electronic setups, singing or speaking and using machines." The fact that you can't see how fucking amazing it is that someone got all of The Doors back together makes me not just want to kill you, but kill everybody who doesn't see how cool that is.

So YES, for the record, I sometimes listen to Skrillex, not to mention various other dubstep artists, but the better question is why the hell don't you? YES, my car speakers have occasionally been known to go "wub dub" at decibel levels that will make your ears bleed, but the better question is why the hell doesn't yours? YES, sometimes the music in my home isn't just called house music because I live there, but the better question is why the hell isn't yours? We had a fucking pact and I'm sorry but just like that old sick bastard in the "First of the Year" video (which by the way gives me chills every single time I watch it), I'm going to have to fucking end you now…violently.

"CALL 911 NOW!"

Related

Resources