Breaking Up is Hard To Do

Do you know why everyone calls it dumped? Because you feel like shit. Shit your bf/gf shot out of their ass in record time and didn't even have to wipe because they got rid of you in one quick, clean push. It's true that in certain circumstances they have to use a lot of toilet paper to wipe the excess shit off their ass because you're clingy, sticky, smelly, and don't want to get flushed. But those with the strong, two-ply toilet paper will rub you off of them eventually. Geez, what a metaphor THAT was. I think I just made some people out there reading this feel worse instead of making them laugh. They're probably thinking, “damn, was I a clean wipe or a really messy one?”

Most of us who have been mature enough to sustain a semi-serious relationship know deep down that somewhere down the line it's all going to end in one great dramatic breakup. But there is a series of different reasonings for breakups that are logical and realistic. Chances are that the relationships of the first fifteen people you date aren't going to end up with a walk down the aisle. Unless you take dating seriously. Then it's definitely going to be one of the first three people you date since youwon't date around and you're too damn picky. Either way ladies, just put those bridal magazines down right now—this is college. There's a whole bunch of guys from other states and countries that you don't even know you're attracted to yet. Guys—well, I don't have to tell you that you still have potential to be invited to the Playboy Mansion. You think about it every waking moment.

Anyway, getting back to my point. There are a variety of breakups. All of them hurt equally. But in retrospect they are all supposed to make you a stronger person. And if by stronger you mean completely emotionally and mentally jaded, well then you've got a whole psych theory worth proving. There's a senior thesis for you beotches. There's the breakup where one person of the two realizes it's not even a relationship because when you guys get together all you do is the horizontal mambo. OH I always wanted to use that term! The relationship was just so he could get some without seeming like an ass because he wanted the girl to not be doing anything with anyone else. After the initial breakup is over he will usually fake his pain to some other girls in order to propel himself on to his next prey. And if he's good-looking in a small school then there's always another girl waiting in line, sitting there with him in his room watching him play video games with his friends.

Has any girl out there gotten dumped because she was too aggressive? I've heard of it happening, but I bet it's about as common as a Chinese restaurant running out of steamed rice. Maybe I've just been exposed to the all the wrong guys, but I don't think I could ever picture any of my guy friends saying, “Damn! All that Joanie chick ever wants to do is give me head and take off her shirt two minutes into making out. It's like she doesn't even want to get to know me as a person. I'm just potential sex to her.”

The worst breakup I've ever witnessed was when someone was dumped by their long-term boyfriend. The aftermath of it was enough to deter anyone from being in a relationship EVER and almost enough to justify limiting sex to procreation purposes only. If you ever know a friend who is experiencing this—and chances are in college you will—don't even attempt to cheer them up. They want nothing to do with laughter for the next 7-12 months. Just let them use your shoulder and a wet hankie. Don't try to get them back on the horse because if you haven't experienced this breakup you have no idea what they are going through. Also, if it's your roommate, try to be considerate enough not to bring home a guy and kick her out of the room. That's just bad form.

1. Denial: She/He's coming back to you. They're going to wake up one morning, realize with a striking revelation that you're better than anyone else on this campus, and then proceed to kick that freshman they're with out of their bed and come running back to you. Usually lasts about 1-2 months unless you see your ex making out in a dark corner at a party. Then it becomes more about binge drinking than anything else.

2. Delusional: As if number one weren't figment of the imagination enough. This one is really challenging and even more pathetic to witness than actually experience. Because when you're experiencing it you don't realize you're acting like a complete moron.

3. Finding Oneself: This is when you start to focus only on yourself. You spend all your time working on your academic studies and improving your grades, and then when you're caught up on the reading for all your classes, instead of going out with friends at night, you sit and watch a movie. By yourself. In the dark. Ignoring the phone when it rings. But at lunch you tell everyone you're fine. They haven't seen you because you've been doing so much work for you class, but they're not fooled. They detected something was up when you stopped going to the tanning bed a month ago. When a girl stops tanning, you know it's bad.

4. Fake Recovery: You begin to tan again, but only once a month, and when friends insist that you go out with them you feign interest in getting ready or drinking with the guys. But there's something missing. It takes a couple of weekends to figure out that the thing your missing is a warm body next to yours. Eventually it's not going to matter who that warm body is, as long as it's warm and functional. That's when you're ready to jump into number five.

5. Moving On: Some say that the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Which in most cases is true. You never fully recover until you're being straddled by a hottie not wearing any panties. It's amazing how meeting someone new can make the past couple of months seem like one big bad dream. And you don't realize it at the time, but you're just starting the cycle all over again. One down, fourteen more to go.

And I'm not trying to sound preachy, but maybe college is more than a series of weekends. Maybe it's a time to prepare you for a prosperous future. Maybe at this point in all our lives the best investment we can make is in ourselves.