>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen

April 7, 2008

There’s a book out there called, He’s Just Not That Into You.  Basically it tells delusional women that they will never land the man they’re lusting after and to move on to a man that showers them with gifts, and affection—not just jizz.

Of course this literature has been turned into a screenplay and is currently in production. So now, average looking women everywhere can pay to watch Scarlett Johanssen and Drew Barrymore lust after then get rejected by men who look like Michael Douglas, while the men who look like Justin Timberlake with hearts of gold are shamelessly ignored.

There’s a chapter in the book that tells women, “He’s just not that into you if he has a serious girlfriend/wife.”  Because over a million people needed to pay $12.95 to have that reaffirmed. So now I question why so many women fall for men with girlfriends. How is their sexual appeal more dynamic when the guy is unavailable? One of the least good looking guys I went to college with (sorry Bill) had a serious girlfriend all four years and he had an entourage of chicks: sober, drunk, skinny, short, blonde, brunette, etc., all trying to mount a flag in territory that wasn’t theirs by mounting his yard stick.

“Sure, you never scissored each other’s vags, but it was close enough.”

The comedian/author of the book suggests that these women who believe in the possibility of landing a taken man move on. They are not exceptions to the rule. And yet I hear so many stories about women believing that they’re what I refer to as the “Wild Card.” Which sounds so much cooler than “Giant Raging Whore-Bag.”

Obviously if the guy wanted to be with you, he would just be with you, not her. But I do have to ask, what’s the deal with the psycho girlfriend? And why in the world do men stay with them? You know the type…the slightest inkling can trigger her rage: boyfriend left the toilet seat down, ate too many of her French fries, or breathed in the wrong direction.  Ones who won’t let their boyfriends talk to other girls without boyfriends; who would rather stab him in the heart with a fork than ever have him leave for more than 24 hours.

I asked several of my guy friends (two of whom are married to the former Miss Hosebeast) why they stick around and tolerate all the unnecessary drama instead of meeting someone new and possibly a little less clinically insane. The consensus? “Fear and complacency.” And they say women have low self-esteem.

As further evidence, my one buddy said, and I quote: “Monie, I know I’m not that good looking—why would I run the risk of losing the occasionally bitchy and sexually uninterested sure shot who will never leave me, for the long shot I’ll probably lose to down the line when she wakes up one day and realizes she could do better?”  I asked him if he still had his testicles, and he told me he hadn’t seen them since a few days before he started high school.

So even after all of this, some women choose to exude something called “Positive Energy.” They claim that men are more attracted to women who smile, consider romance uninteresting, are optimistic about life and love, and are content with the fact that they could build a lifelong friendship should nothing else materialize. And they distribute this Positive Energy by buying small gifts, bringing him beer, and writing his thesis.  While other women (most of them) choose to take the road most frequently traveled and lure the unassuming male into her soft spots by pumping drinks into him during happy hour, hoping they’ll turn into 6, possibly 11 minutes that he will pretend not to remember in the morning. 

It’s not entirely the girl’s fault for believing the Wild Card has a chance to make it to the big game. Taken men love nothing more than harmless flirtation when out on the town without their lady. And contrary to popular belief, they do know exactly what they’re saying when they spout those easily misinterpreted lines.

For example:

The Mixed Signal

“Wow Meg, you look really pretty with your hair pulled back like that.”

The Always Offensive But Somewhat Flattering

“Don’t tell anyone, but I masturbate to that Facebook photo of you on Halloween. You know, the one in that sexy French Maid number. Sexy.”

And the Hopeful Yet Heartbreaking Favorite

“If I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d be dating you.”

But I know a couple of girls who have slept with guys with serious girlfriends, and I’ve even been there when one of them met the girlfriend inadvertently for the first time. The girlfriend had no clue it happened, everyone acted adult as introductions were made, and when she left all I could say to my girlfriend was, “Wow. Was that uncomfortable for you, knowing that technically you’ve had sex with her? Sure, you never scissored each other’s vags, but it was close enough to make me feel awkward.”

The other day my buddy Duke asked me if he thought he was hot enough to land a ridiculously rich woman so he could be set for life. Now that’s one hell of a Wild Card, finding a beautiful, young rich woman with self-esteem low enough to make a man her Mr. Cinderella. Not knowing exactly how to respond, I just smiled and told him what I would my girlfriends, “Don’t worry princess, someday your prince will come.”