>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
April 25, 2004

Guys claim that they can't figure women out. Especially that one writer at PIC—let's just call him Dustin—who not so nicely attempts to articulate the complexities of women. Well Dustin, allow me to let you in on a little secret: women are stupid psychological mysteries that will never be solved because we can't figure ourselves out either. Most (and by most I mean a very large majority) of our brains consist of emotional fatty tissue—or maybe those are our breasts. Either way chicks are super complicated. Underneath our flawless skin and silky hair lies a brain that can't decide what it wants. To guys we are the ultimate Unsolved Mysteries episode. Even worse, Robert Stack is dead, so I guess you're all fucked.

Guys, have you ever noticed that when you have a girlfriend, suddenly out of left field a bunch of chicks start throwing themselves at you at every opportunity? Where in the hell were these chicks when you were single? Hitting on other girls' boyfriends that's where. It sad, but true. There are girls out there who only want you when they see you with someone else. Girls want what they can't have. Girls want to prove to guys that they are better than his current selection, and the best way to take down another girl's ego is to take her man. Or better yet, get her man to cheat, but then when the seductress is done playing, the guy will settle back for his girlfriend if she's a sucker enough to take him. And then the seductress ALWAYS has that over the relationship girl. So if you have a girlfriend it's best to just stop talking to any other female besides her and possibly your mom.

Girls want guys to run after them. We've seen it happen in the movies, making it justifiable and even possible that it will happen in real life. The chick's usually been drinking and begins to stare at you with those adoring, glazed eyes. Then she gets up in one completely ungraceful stumbling motion and says something to the effect of, “I'm leaving, if you even care.” Then she just runs out of the room and waits at the end of the hallway for five minutes to see if you're running after her. My advice: just sit there, because when you don't show up panting in a panic looking for her after about five minutes, she'll get bored, walk back into the room and sit right next to you asking why you didn't run after her.

Girls tend to leave stuff in guys' rooms the morning after a hook up. Why do we do this? Because in the morning if we're not feeling too confident you're going to call later that evening or the next day, we're going to create our own chance encounter with you again when it needs to be picked up. So before a chick leaves your room, something she's wearing will always get left behind. Something that's cheap enough to replaced, but can still be considered a necessity. This includes jewelry (the most common), panties (second most common), and even a cell phone (for a valiant few). So boys, if you don't want to see us again, ask if we've got everything, before we conveniently abandon our personal shit. That's our cue to interpret that line as, “You better have all your shit because you're not getting back into this bed or my room anytime soon.”

How are the men-haters on your campus? And by men-haters I mean those super-neo-feminists who all walk around with their boobs sagging to their navels because they don't believe in bras or penises. These chicks are looking for any reason to fight—I mean anything can set them off. “Tsk tsk, this mozzarella stick looks like a penis, why does fried food have to be so masculine? Ladies we're going to start boycotting fried cheese tomorrow. I hope you're all ready. This campaign is going to be a doozy.” Ugh, I'm all for equal pay and equal work, but I'm not about to start buying guys drinks at the bar anytime soon if it comes down to it. Yeah, that really wasn't a well thought out argument, but then again neither are my research papers so why should this be any different?

Guys sometimes wonder what girls do when we're not there. Let me tell you what we do: We sit around and analyze the hell out of you. Your actions, your words, what you ate for breakfast, whether or not that head nod you gave us at the library was a green light for asking you to watch a movie later in the week or whether it was just a simple greeting. We sit around and figure out why you're all head cases, hoping that you're sitting around figuring out why we're all head cases, but knowing you're not. You're playing video games, and there we are talking about your virtues, your faults, your history with girls, the amateur psychological evaluation from the one lone psych major in the room, your summer plans, our emotional investment in you, and if there's time after all that, possibly our weddings. Guys, if you're not scared now you should be.

There are some women who get so jaded by sophomore year from falling for assholes and getting treated like crap that they subconsciously develop a man's mentality by the beginning of junior year. And it's usually after they discover that there's a bigger world outside their university's small town, and figured that since the right guy will come along later there is no reason to use and abuse the new guys now. Just the other day I overheard a girl asking her friend how she likes her men. Her friend said, “Drunk, why Vanessa? How do you like your men?” To which she replied, “Unconscious.” I don't know what was worse, hearing them say that or knowing that we have weekend plans to go down to the bars together.

So guys, I guess if you want to pick up a girl just use this line, “You're such a mystery. I don't even know if I want to figure you out.” Then just turn and walk away. I guarantee she'll recognize this semi-rejection as a challenge and chase after you. Then once she reaches you, she'll shoot the “come and get me look,” run out the door and hope you run after her.

Well what in the hell are you waiting for? Run.