>>> The Rollercoaster of Drama
By staff writer Simonne Cullen
November 23, 2003

One of Abe Lincoln's greatest accomplishments was formally establishing Thanksgiving on the third Thursday in November. He wrote the Emancipation of Proclamation and threw in a four-day weekend as a bonus. There's a history lesson for you. Share that at the dinner table. It will make your parents think their money is being invested in you and not in Miller Products.

Thanksgiving has got to be the best holiday ever invented. What other country has created a holiday in which national gluttony is endorsed at every meal, football games dominate every channel, the beer flow never ends, and there are no women around to nag you because they're off vacationing at Macy's, Nordstrom, and Bloomingdales? I'm pretty sure this four day gorging festival was not the original intention of the Pilgrims and Indians, but hey, it works–and so does my credit card.

By the time Thanksgiving rolls around you're ready to go home. Your roommate is tap dancing on your last nerve, you're flat broke and living on a lone pair of slightly-clean jeans and a spaghetti-stained sweatshirt, and your body is physically demanding nutritional value that does not consist of hops and barley. All you want to do is eat real food that's not served up in massive quantities or vegan blandness, and all your family wants to do is talk. About you. A lot.

When your family asks you how college life is why can't a simple “fine” suffice? Why do they always insist on pulling details out of you? The way I figure it is you can never go wrong with, “Well the work load is pretty challenging, but I manage. My friendships are developing into what I believe will be long lasting relationships, and even though there is usually a lot of drinking going on I am normally the one taking care of them. I'm even debating taking up some volunteer work on the side for my resume.” Bullshit? Yes indeedy, but that response will ensure you high-quality, first-rate holiday gifts.

Try answering your family with “Well, I've mostly been skirt-chasing at the bars (wink at Grandpa), but since I got my fake ID taken away from me I've had to resort to throwing binge drinking, half naked parties in my room. I honestly can't tell you how I'm doing in my classes because I only attend the ones I know about two to three times a week and I've been a bit preoccupied with the outcome of an incident involving a broken condom during a threesome.” I guarantee this won't land you a variety gift-pack of Trojans from Grandma. It also sort of gives away the answer to everyone's question as to whether you've been naughty or nice this year.

Have you noticed that the first Thanksgiving back your parents suddenly trust you a whole lot more? I think they're just overjoyed that you've been on your own for a while and made it back alive with all limbs attached. But suddenly they're offering you wine or beer with dinner, cigars after dessert, and an extra few hours on curfew. Couple that with a little extra cash, and you're suddenly beaming with pride that you've been maturing into a well-rounded adult. This is not the time to tell them that you need three hundred dollars to pay for your underage drinking ticket and that you may or may not be on academic probation.

As for you freshman, Thanksgiving really works to your advantage in terms of post-holiday turnover. This is the weekend when all those hotties still dating their high school sweethearts usually break up. Your timing getting back to school on Sunday is super important. I can't stress this enough. You NEED to be the first person your hottie of choice lays eyes upon when he or she gets back on campus. Below are a few tips for snagging that special someone.

Post-Thanksgiving Hookup Advice

Guys: Listen to her news. Offer a somber apology and then invite her over to watch a movie later to raise her spirits. She's got to move on sometimes, and chances are she's been keeping tabs on who's available. Why not be the lucky guy that gives her the real welcome to a college life she'll never forget?

Girls: Unless the guy is super-emotional, he's been keeping his eye out too. And you have to be quick because news of breakups spreads fast. Your only problem will be trying to tame his thrill of “new play” long enough for him to remember your name. Good luck with that one.