Once upon a time, college kids didn't have such necessities as iPods, Easy Mac, Snuggies, and the Fleshlight. But every few years, some brand new products come along to help today's youth—and everybody else. So I decided to take time out of my busy and celebrity-ish day (really, it's 2:56 a.m.) to invent some new shit for university students and the world.

Cloning Device

Two grandmas in the kitchen
Thanks to Life Alert, I know IMMEDIATELY when my new grandma is ready!
Okay, this isn't necessarily a brand new thing. But think, with this device, you could clone yourself so you could bang your fuck-buddy, wreck shop on Mass Effect 2, work out, eat nine square meals, break your masturbation record, and EVEN go to class!!

But you wouldn't have to stop with yourself. You could clone your grandma, so she could bake cookies for you… then die. Think of the possibilities. With an endless supply of sick and dying grandmas, you could get all the homework extensions and vacation days in the world. And when teachers start getting suspicious, just clone your brother. Just lie and tell your profs you've got a huge family—all in poor health.

Electrocution Alarm Clock Blanket

Waking up sucks. But with the Electrocution Alarm Clock Blanket, when it's time to wake up, you'll receive a little static shock. When you press the snooze button, that shock doubles. And so on. You'll never accidentally oversleep again! And this product is ripe for practical jokes. Think about setting the power level to "Hair Dryer in Bathtub" level for when your roommate has sexy nap time with his/her sexy nap time partner. You'll all be sharing laughs and rising early!!

Everyday Translator

What the hell is that weird foreign person talking about? How about the pissed-off dining hall cook? Your stupid fucking tweed jacket-wearing calculus professor? Most importantly: what did that chick/dude from last night mean after saying, "I hope this actually means something. I think I might like you?"

Well, pop this Everyday Translator into your ear and now you'll never be confused. That foreigner wants to know where he can find this crazy flowery stuff called soap. The pissed-off cook wants a break so he can rest up (that semen doesn't just magically appear in your dorm food). That calc professor really wishes hot college chicks (or dudes) would take his class and try to earn extra credit with sexual favors. And that chick/dude from last night is just hoping your drunk ass forgets everything that happens during this three minutes of sexual frustration.

Laminated Porn Mags

Penthouse magazine in a hot tub
Waterproof fun for one, and just 'cause you come, doesn't mean you're done!
Once you move out of your parents' house, you realize that jacking off in the shower rules that much more. But how do you look at porn during a downpour? That's right, with laminated porn mags! Now you can look at all your favorite naked photos without fear of ruining the busty backdoor beauties! And Laminated Porn Mags aren't just for the shower, they're great for hot tubs, wet t-shirt contests, sitting by the sprinkler, and children's parties (you don't want to get ice cream cake on your brand new issue of "Double Penetration Skanks Into Black Man-Tanks").

Instant Keyboard ShamWow

You know what I hate? When I'm jacking off while using my roommate's computer and then I have to think of another excuse for why the keyboard is all white and sticky. I think my cohabitant is starting to learn that I don't really type faster when my fingers are covered with shaving cream.

But with the Instant Keyboard ShamWow, I'll never need to explain why there are semen stains all over the laptop. It actually makes solo post-coitus cleanup easy…and fun!

Sexile Buddy

Robot sex friend
No matter how nerdy and lame you feel, Sexile Buddy is there to make you feel cool again! Even if it means you'll still never get laid.
Getting sexiled sucks. Your roomy gets some nookie while you spend some time with the fat and foreign kids in the study room. Wouldn't it be nice to have a friend? This robotic wonder follows you around, lets you win at ping pong, and even pats you on the back when you feel left out of the humping club. Take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime offer and you'll get a free webcam that starts the second you leave your dorm room and instantly downloads all your roomie's sexy time to RedTube!

Cock Snuggie

Just like the Dick Towel, but in Snuggie form.

But wait, there's more! (Just tune in next week for Part 2!)

Have any good ideas for inventions? Post them in the comments!

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