Many of you may not know this about me, but my idea of a "good time" isn't to go out and get drunk in order to lower my inhibitions and have an excuse to make a total fool out of myself; I generally don't have any problems making a total fool out of myself sober, on a daily basis, anyway. So when you invite me out, you better up the ante more than, "Let's all go get drunk!" *Major Yawn* Besides, I'll pit a group of good friends having dinner, being silly, talking incessantly, laughing, playing games, or watching a good movie at my house, against your drunk night out with total strangers, any day. I guarantee you'll have more fun with me and there is probably an equal chance that you'll find yourself pissing yourself by the end of the night. True story: I once made a woman pee her pants and throw up from laughter, all at the same time, over a board game.

Girl having an orgasm or laughing on a bed
Ever notice how laughter and orgasm kind of look the same in a still shot?
I actually love playing board games, but I think some people take them way too seriously. A board game should be about playing and having fun, not all out mortal combat over who wins or loses. If you are overly concerned with winning and the main focus is the actual game and not the people you're playing with, then that is not my idea of fun either. If you drop a big awkward bomb in the middle of a room of people laughing and having fun while playing a game, then ironically you are automatically the biggest loser in the room.

Who the hell has a gigantic easel, a massive pad of paper, and large black markers waiting for an impromptu game of Pictionary?!One of the games I generally dislike playing with people is Pictionary. Not because I can't draw or am not a team player (although both of those are totally true), but because it's the one game that people take altogether too seriously, creating an awkward, uncomfortable evening instead of a simple but entertaining one. I think people see Pictionary as a metaphor for their relationship, and the game instantly becomes less about drawing and more about how good of a relationship you have compared to other people. Comparing your relationship to other people's, through a board game, is never a good idea, and usually ends up in disaster.

Pictionary board game full
Pictionary, a metaphor for your relationship.
Has anyone ever noticed that in every movie where there are a bunch of adult couples at a party, where a game is being played, that game is invariably Pictionary? No one ever seems to be playing anything else, like Monopoly, although that's probably because the movie scene would take six hours and culminate in one of the players ultimately slicing someone else's jugular, with one of the little metal pieces, just to break up the monotony of it all.

So why is it always Pictionary? Does Pictionary have some kind of mental hold on the movie industry that we don't know about, or perhaps contracts with every major production company to be the sole game of choice in all romantic comedy scenes? Personally, I think it's because it is one of the easiest games to watch on the big screen and get drawn into (I'm so punny) without actually being a participant in the game.

Drawing of a baby in Pictionary
Baby Talk.
In the movie all the characters yell out what the person is supposedly drawing and of course get it all wrong, even though what is being drawn is totally obvious to the audience. It makes you have that elated real life game moment of figuring it out and being the only one who knows the answer, thereby flooding your body with the desire to call it out yourself. It is a clever director's ploy to draw you into the movie and make you a part of it, thus making you feel like the whole movie is just that much more immersive, regardless of how much it actually sucks. Everyone is boisterous, laughing, and having fun and now you're right there with them, which is one of the main reasons people go to the movies in the first place, to escape reality.

Guests at a party playing Pictionary
You know what? I am never a part of that Pictionary-dominated, movie moment of fun, because I have actually played Pictionary with a bunch of "adults" in real life and it never goes that way. Oh, I do picture myself there in the movie scene, but the scene goes very differently in my head as I start to have Pictionary Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome (PPTSS) and I find myself ignoring the movie and playing out the reality of it all in my mind. If I was actually at that dinner party and the host and hostess eagerly and giddily suggested we all adjourn to their living room for some fruit or dessert with a little coffee or tea while we play Pictionary, I would take one look at that GIGANTIC easel in the living room and protest immediately….

"FUCK THAT! You guys are WAY too into Pictionary for this not to be totally over the top and completely psychotic!!! Where did you get that GIANT easel from anyway, an art supply store?! Who the hell has a gigantic easel, a massive pad of paper, and large black markers laying in waiting for an impromptu game of ambush Pictionary in their living room?! NO NO NO, this is a freakin' set up! Anyone THIS serious about Pictionary should NEVER NEVER NEVER EVER play this game again, because it is clearly NOT a healthy situation, let alone a fun one."

Do I Have to Draw a Picture?
You have one minute. Ready? Go!
"I know exactly what is going to happen here. Oh sure, it will start out all nice and innocent as we couple off and start our innocent little game, but then comes the yelling, screaming, and shouting, all supposedly in good clean fun. First it will start off with the cute little couple jokes about how ‘someone will be sleeping on the couch tonight,' or the obligatory, ‘Oooo you're in trouble.' Then someone will get serious and drop the ‘awkward bomb' in the room by bringing up something very real and hurtful, causing a long and uncomfortable silence. This is invariably followed by abusive language when one of you gets pissed off and shouts, ‘OMG! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! HOW CAN YOU NOT GET THAT?! IT IS SO OBVIOUS! This is compounded by that really goddamn annoying couple (and you know EXACTLY who I'm talking about) who have some kind of fucking mental telepathy, where the man draws a single line and the woman calls out with bouncing glee, ‘PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON!' followed by the two of them giggling, high-fiving, expressing their love, and then eye-fucking each other until it's their turn again."

"At one point some douchebag is going to call his lovely and demure girlfriend a ‘GOOD FOR NOTHING FUCKING CUNT' for saying ‘home' instead of ‘house' when he spent his entire turn perfecting shutters on his ‘house' which he clearly made into a ‘home' by also drawing flower boxes beneath each and every single window!"

Meg Ryan drawing on the board in Pictionary
"Baby talk? That's not a saying!"
"In fact, on behalf of all your guests and friends, I say we all-out ban the lot of us from ever even playing the game Pictionary again! Furthermore, you two with the GIANT easel aren't even allowed to say the word Pictionary anymore or anything even close to Pictionary. I don't care if you're taking a picture of a canary, I don't want to hear it from you two anymore! It would be better if you never even thought about Pictionary again!"

"Seriously guys, I want to know what you were thinking when you marched into that art supply store and happily purchased your giant easel, paper, and markers? Did you make small talk with the clerk? Did you lie and tell them you were an artist to cover up your bizarre and unhealthy fetish with this ridiculous game? I mean, the game comes with convenient little pads of paper and tiny little pencils only a midget could use (okay, maybe I can see bigger pencils being added). But what made you two decide that the paper supplied wasn't good enough, not LARGE enough, that you needed to SUPER SIZE your Pictionary game?! I'm curious, do the two of you lose sleep at night over the physical conundrum of not being able to purchase a GIGANTIC hourglass?! Oh no, that wouldn't work, would it? A giant hourglass would mean that each turn would take WAY too long, thereby ruining the whole point of trying to draw something in a short amount of time. But it's killing you inside isn't it?! ISN'T IT?!! It's that one missing link from your SUPER Pictionary game. Why not go all the way? Go buy that huge hourglass and make each turn take an actual hour instead of the minute it's supposed to take. But make no mistake, you are going to have to call some OTHER friends for a nice intimate dinner and a completely unplanned and spontaneous game of Eternal Purgatory Pictionary, because THESE friends will play with you NO MORE! I refuse to continue to be your enabler of this obvious sickness you two seem to have and I will not be a part of this codependent dinner party scenario ANY LONGER! I'M DONE! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!"

Pictionary Intervention with two hands
Let's NOT "All Play"
"Dinner was lovely, but I draw the line (yup, still punny) at playing GIANT games with people who build them into their living room decorum! I think I speak for everyone when I say that I am just thankful you two didn't develop this unhealthy obsession with the game Clue and after dinner ask us, ‘By whom, where, and with which of your giant, oversized weapons, was one of us brutally murdered?!'"



Well, that's how the movie scene always goes in my head anyway.