>>> Against Your Will
By staff writer John Marcher

March 17, 2008

One of the phenomena I encounter most often when I’m out drinking is the guy (or group of guys) who likes to get drunk and fight. It’s always a male that exhibits this rather reprehensible behavior, and I have to be honest with you, I don’t understand why. I would harbor a guess that the same brain circuitry that makes girls to want to dance, makes the Cro-Magnon male apt to engage in fisticuffs. To postulate why this mindset is gender exclusive, however, is to miss the bigger picture.

What needs to be examined here today are two central aspects of this concept:

1. Why it occurs.
2. Why it’s fucking stupid.

You would be hard pressed to frequent any bar, club, or bowling alley in modern day America and not be able to find at least one drunken asshole looking to throw fists. All of these establishments have one thing in common, and if you can’t figure it out, quite frankly I don’t know how you’ve learned to read.

But yes, the answer is alcohol. We can deduce that alcohol is the true impetus behind this phenomenon because if people (males) were to engage in acts of physical aggression over the slights which commonly are the motivation behind inebriated arguments while sober, our society would be in a state of sheer anarchy. Furthermore, if scuffed shoes and spilled drinks normally led to no holds barred wrestling matches, what the hell would you do to someone who cut you off in traffic? Throw a grenade at them? This isn’t Grand Theft Auto.

“Maybe these drunken assholes come from broken homes, maybe they have small penises.”

Some people like to get drunk and have sex, others like to sing karaoke—personally, I like to get drunk and eat. Feed me some whiskey and ask me if I want a Lumberjack Slam and you’ll get an enthusiastic fuck yes. Feed another dozen guys in a bar some whiskey and step on all of their shoes and chances are you’ll land yourself at least two throwdowns. The crucial distinction between these behaviors is the intent to physically harm someone else.

You see, drinking is a time-honored tradition in our country, and let’s face it, it’s a pretty good time. People flock to their local nightlife scenes every weekend, year round, to engage in revelry. Meeting new people, possibly hooking up with them, dancing, singing; these are all things that are akin to the pleasurable nature of getting drunk. For someone to be interested in fighting, though, in proving some measure of masculinity or physical superiority in an otherwise enjoyable environment, they've got to be borderline sociopathic. It’s like going to the beach to throw stones at the seagulls instead of swim in the ocean and look at women in bikinis.

The real problem with this mindset comes down to the lack of understanding of its severity. No doubt there are times in life when things have to be handled, and that this sometimes entails getting physical, but the difference in those scenarios is that the line of reasoning that leads to the fighting is quite different. In fact, in a roundabout way it could be said that most of the time the aggressor feels like fighting and from there manifests the reasoning (however ridiculous) into an altercation. This distinction in the pathology of the drunken asshole is why I believe their behavior is abnormal and indicative of an otherwise unbalanced mental state.

Maybe these drunken assholes come from broken homes, maybe they were abused as kids, maybe they have small penises. My guess is that there isn’t one single issue which holds these vagabonds together outside of the psychopharmacology of their own brains and a pervasive sense of inferiority. It’s clear, as previously outlined, that drinking alcohol leads to a state of relaxed inhibition. It is also clear that this can lead to an increase in any number of behaviors: sexuality, hunger, dancing like a skank, etc. The drunken asshole however, as his level of intoxication increases, begins to feel nothing but an increased level of anxiety as it pertains to his own stature within the world. He views the bar or club scene as some sort of Lockian State of Nature and strives to proclaim his own place in it as his subconscious incessantly reminds him of his own self-consciousness like a tide gently ebbing on the shoreline.

Within these circumstances even the most innocent of slights can pre-empt the impending volcanic eruption: a bartender ignoring his drink requests for a cute blonde, said cute blonde ignoring his blatant eye contact, or someone haphazardly spilling their drink on him. The foreboding sense of inconsequential frustration begins to mount internally, building itself into the buzz of the alcohol and spreading slowly but surely throughout his physical being until at last action must be taken. The situation has progressed to a state where the drunken asshole feels he must not only defend his reputation—no, his very existence at all costs. The more he drinks, the more this sense of determination grows until he almost feels as if he has to find a way to prove to the other people around him that he is someone. Or at the very least, someone not to be fucked with.

Shortly after this, a regular patron who’s had one or maybe three too many walks by and accidentally spills some of his mojito on said drunken asshole, tempers flare, and meat-headed-ness prevails.

The mindset of the drunken asshole is a complicated algorithm of malfunctory processes and pervasive inadequacy. The similarity to the behavior of those unafflicted is a thin veneer which only helps to substantiate the behavior socially. We all have problems, inadequacies, and issues which in our lowliest moments torment us to no end. To deal with these under the duress of a social gathering, while under the effects of alcohol is certainly a test that few could pass. Alas, this does not leave the accused bereft of responsibility in containing themselves.

Simply put, if you are a drunk asshole, someone who under the slightest of provocations finds themselves in fisticuffs or drunken chest thumping, there is really only one solution: stop drinking. Good luck with that.