Dear Fugly,

I don't like wearing underwear. Boxers, briefs, they're just not for me. I truly savor the liberation of a freely swinging scrotum, but lately there's been a problem. With these sizzling summer months upon us, I find that my little kiwis stick to my thigh. It's very uncomfortable, what should I do?

Warm wishes,
Zack Cave

Zack Cave,

Silverback gorilla in the wild
The son of the mother of HIV?
That's quite a pickle. Fugly battled a similar dilemma herself. While ol' Fugly doesn't have a traditional scrotum, Fugly does possess a rather husky labia majora that could pass for a scrotum during even the most thorough of prison strip searches. Fugly's lady bits were irreversibly stretched when Fugly birthed a litter of silverback gorillas in 1905. Some say that Fugly's jungle antics were the root of HIV; Fugly doesn't listen to such nonsense. It's simply bad luck that Fugly's former lovers drop dead within one year. Or perhaps a warlock put a spell on Fugly?

So, anyway, back to your problem. Fugly will gladly follow you around and cup your delicate little apricots until summer fades.


Greetings Wildebeest,

I'm dating a wonderful boy, Fugly. He's handsome, he's hilarious, he has a weenus like a telephone pole. Everything has been going wonderfully so far, except for one thing: he has nipple rings, and frankly, I hate them. Can I ask him to get rid of them? Would it hurt his feelings? What should I do?

Thanks Ugly!

Dear Dorcas,

Your story fills Fugly with great sadness. Fugly wishes her decaying flesh could support piercing of any kind. Fugly attempted to get the fat roll beneath her hooter pierced, but the WWJD medallion just slipped through Fug's decomposing hide.

Remember Dorcas, a man is difficult to change. Situations like this require the utmost sensitivity. Simply tell him that you love him very much, but if you have to look at those nipple rings again you will projectile vomit and then die of shame for ever dating someone with nipple rings. Then rip out his nipple rings. Problem solved.


What's up Fugly?

Not your tits! Zing! Fugly, this question has been plaguing me for years now. You know Fergie, the singer? She's heinous right? She makes you look like, well, shit, but she's a homely woman nonetheless. My question is, why is that smoking hot piece of ass Josh Duhmal married to that withered old hyena? Tell me!

Hugs & Smiles,

Hi there Regina,

Are you talking about Fergalicious Miss Delicious? While Fugly doesn't own a moving picture box, I've seen some of her sexy photos on magazines while stocking up on cucumbers and WD-40 at the supermarket. She looks just like Fugly Slut in her youth. I think she's a raving beauty and I'd personally like to invite those young Hollywood rascals to Fugly's love shed. Sorry Regina, I can't answer your question because I find Fergalicious to be a leathery goddess.

*Wildly gyrating to Fergie's tunes*