>>> Ask Nicole
By staff writer Nicole McKaig
December 25, 2003

Dear Nicole,

My girlfriend recently broke up with me after a year and a half. We were in love and it hurts really bad. She said she was tired of being tied down and wanted to be single again. She tells me that she really wants to be my friend and that she thinks it could work but I am really having a hard time grasping that. Do you think I should attempt a friendship with her?


Dear Heartbroken,

I'm sorry about your breakup, that's rough. However, by performing the following experiment, your question can be resolved easily and inexpensively in the comfort of your own home.

First, buy a quality bear trap from your local hunting goods store. (For questions regarding brand quality and store locations, please consult Court the Deer.) Per manufacturer's instructions, set the trap and activate by stepping directly into its center. To avoid messy blood spatter and stubborn protein stains, be sure to first cover all nearby carpet and furniture with a sturdy tarp.

Leave the bear trap embedded in your leg for 48 to 72 hours. If at the end of this period you find that you enjoy the feeling of metal spikes buried in your muscle issue, then being “friends” with an ex for whom you still have feelings is the perfect solution for you.