>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
March 1, 2006

Super Bowl Blues Haiku

Bet on Seattle
Now I pay the bookie on
Points in case dot com

Hello ladies, allow me to introduce my bookie, I mean, best friend Shaun Rockwell. He’s 6’ 1’’ (12’’). He enjoys smoking pot and taking long naps. When he’s conscious enough to blink, he enjoys saying “Yes” or “No.” In the rare occurrence that he’s not stoned or drunk, he also likes talking about cars and playing with his white pussy cat Dastun. He is a magnificent speller and can bench over 5000 pounds.

Shaun is world renown for his cooking skills, his charitable nature, and his Christian lifestyle. He once made gazpacho for needy inner-city children while reciting the Lord’s Prayer in its original Hebrew form…um, backwards. And though Shaun only speaks five current languages (as well as two dead languages), he knows the word for “love” in every world tongue. The Catholic league has already dubbed him a saint, and he’s not even Catholic! He is a riot at parties.

“Because Shaun’s a gentleman by nature, you can rest assured he’ll only charge you parts and a little labor…depending on whether you’re on top or not.”

Shaun is a Junior Information Systems Management Major here at WVU. As such, he will be able to intelligently manage your systems. I’ve personally heard of four girls that have been fucked into a catatonic state by Shaun’s massive penis. Two of these women are in critical condition. I’ve heard that his penis is in the workings to cure Munchausen’s Syndrome, AND his penis holds the current record for stacking Jenga pieces. I can also consent to the verity of these statements because I’ve snuck a peak in the gym shower, during drunk nights pissing off my balcony, and whenever he’s passed out on the couch naked. Now, I’m not saying that his penis is bigger than mine, because I’m not a liar, but it will impress most people.

That said, I’m sure you have your apprehensions about making love to Shaun, but let me dispel those beliefs immediately. Shaun’s penis, while huge, is a gentle penis. I’m not saying that he can’t fuck you in ways you’ve only read about in the New York Post, but he can also write epic poems about you and have each read by every person this side of the Mississippi. (You will be his beautiful muse.) The poem by Shaun entitled “VAR,” to the left of your screen below, has been written about in numerous respected journals including The New Yorker and High Times.


It's a van
It's a car
It's a var.
I, a kid
Waiting for a normal car
Must drive a var.

I don’t need to tell you that Shaun will treat you like an Arabian princess. If you have a rape fantasy, it’s not a problem. He’ll do whatever you want while giving you head while fingering your asshole. Even better, because Shaun’s a gentleman by nature, you can rest assured he’ll only charge you parts and a little labor…depending on whether you’re on top or not. Of course, Shaun’s not going to work out his glutes if he doesn’t have to (subsequent to carrying numerous dead hookers on his shoulders, his back is a little tender). He is the best mechanic in the world.

Also, Shaun is able and willing to protect you. I know of at least four instances in which Shaun has gotten into a fight: once with a grizzly bear, once with a Siberian tiger, once with a grizzly bear AND a Siberian tiger, and once with some New Jersey fag on New Year’s Eve. He knows Kung-Fu, Jujitsu, Tae Kwon Do, and Jazzercise. I’m not going to lie though, the only thing Shaun can’t do is dance to rap. He’s as graceful as a drunken Great Dane when it comes to hip-hop beats. Also, his breath smells faintly of beef jerky. Don’t get me wrong, he has excellent oral hygiene; he just really likes beef jerky.

Ladies, you know you wouldn’t mind getting to know him in the Biblical sense. I implore you, let Shaun Rockwell be your Adam and eat your forbidden fruit. Let him be your Moses and part your Red Sea. Let him be your Jesus and split your loaves and fishes. Let Him be your God because we all know God has a big ol’ dick.

So if you have a vagina and are under 300 pounds, call Shaun at (304) 685-7499.

Yeah…if you can’t tell by now, I lost a bet. So, if you could, add Shaun to your Facebook so that I cover my quota. Also, I have a minimum proportion reserved for black and Asian chicks. So if you are a minority, I’ll consider paying you for your help. Affirmative action awaaaaaaaay!