>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
February 7, 2007

Of all the hate mail I receive, my favorite would have to be the personal insults directed at my character; particularly, those wonderfully emphatic emails about my classiness, or typically, lack thereof. As I’m sure you already know, sweeping generalizations have become almost the bread and butter of Internet tough guys. I, unfortunately, have been typecast as such. Not to say that I particularly mind the title, it’s just that if you were to speak with most of my friends, they would laugh at both the insistence that I am “tough” and a “guy.”

So, for all of you three readers out there, I’d like to do a little myth-busting this week.

Let’s goooooo!

Myth: NG Hatfield is obsessed with accuracy.
My writing process involves getting drunk, tossing a bunch of dirty magnetic poetry into an old Boston Red Sox cap, and writing on whatever I can pick out with my dick. Sometimes, I take a shit when I write, but I never edit my work. That’s what Court is for, and I love fried him are chicken (a phrase in which he will probably edit because it doesn’t even make grammatical sense! MUAH!).
[Am I really to be dragged into this editor’s quandary?]

“One can make dead baby jokes and not go out and throw babies into grinding wheels.”

Myth: NG Hatfield talks about his “big penis” because he actually has a small penis.
Unlike most men who talk the talk but don’t walk their dick, I have this weird thing about bragging. That is, if I’m not good or educated in the matter at hand, I don’t speak about it at all. First, it’s easier to learn shit when you’re not interrupting with your own bullshit agenda. Second, it’s much easier to save your ego if you reserve “I’m good in such-in-such” for things you’re actually good at. In the same VEIN (har!), I wouldn’t go around saying I had a big dick and then fuck a girl who would say otherwise. That’d hurt the rep.

Myth: NG Hatfield’s writing ability should be derived from his Pointsincase.com articles.
It’s a college humor website. I get shit from my friends for writing on the internet, as I rightfully should. I spend nearly an hour writing this tripe, and while I do think that it deserves somewhat of my attention, I basically do it for fun. And the chicks.

Myth: NG Hatfield is a classless piece of shit.
Call me what you will, but classless I just ain’t. Considering I was born in the bowels of bumfuck Maryland, the fact that I know and correctly use (not so much know how to read) words like “specious” and “cunt” should allot me some sort of credit. But then again, maybe not.

Myth: NG Hatfield writes shockingly for attention.
Fact: Unfortunately, I just have a “shocking” sense of humor. Also unfortunately, this sense of humor is prevalent in malcontents, murderers, and Jihad “LA-LA-LA-LA” Warriors. In my group of friends, it was agreed that I would be “most-likely to kill a man and experience no remorse thereafter.” I’m not bragging about that, either.

Myth: NG Hatfield is the coolest, funniest writer on PIC.
Nate DeGraaf, in my opinion, is the coolest, funniest writer on PIC. Perhaps, the internet. Though, I will not give him the satisfaction of thinking he’s a better poet than me. I’m not FUCKING INSANE. (Love you Nate; you have pretty hair.)

Myth: NG Hatfield is a druggie.
I only drink and smoke when I have nothing else to do. I’m so driven that, even when I sleep over at a girl’s place, I make her wake me up two hours before class so that I can do my shit. This usually doesn’t work out, as I end up fucking them into a comatose sleep, but I really have all the intentions of keeping my GPA above yours. Tee-hee.

Myth: NG Hatfield is “all talk.”
I also write!

Myth: NG Hatfield is trying to act like a hardass in his picture.
I live and die by irony. I’m a poet; not a hardass. It should be understood that I’m not only more perceptive than most people (read, “LSD user”), but also more compassionate (read, “a pussy”). This is true. I cry myself to sleep. I prefer cats to dogs. I smoke light cigarettes and stay away from Wild Turkey. I enjoy being romantic with women. I like to dress well. I read nonstop and I once let Chris Phelan suck my dick. I don’t think it gets any more compassionate than that.

Myth: What NG Hatfield says, he actually means.
Most of the time, what I write is, like I said, for fun. One can make dead baby jokes and not go out and throw babies into grinding wheels. It’s all about separating the truly laidback person from the uptight moron who does take me seriously. If you fall into the latter category, get the fuck over yourself dude. Smoke some pot or something.

Myth: NG Hatfield felt the need to set things straight because he was worried what you think.
The simple truth is, I’m sick of girls reading the site and thinking I’m a misanthropist/player. It really cuts down on my ability to get pussy when they all think I have herpes and hate babies. Both of which are pending test results. Cross your fingers!

Myth: NG Hatfield is a douchebag.
I’m a flaming douchebag. Get it right. OR PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE.

I’ll kill you, bitch.