>>> The Lady's Shave
By staff writer NG Hatfield
November 29, 2007

This is the story of Dave and Jake, best friends since college. They now reside in Santa Barbara, California and live off the income of their amateur pornography website: dickdelicacy.com (author’s note: we just came up with this website name sans internet, and if it’s truly a website, may God be praised [editor’s note: it’s not]). This business’s premise is based upon the idea of offering attractive women, of many different ethnic backgrounds, foods from their native country in exchange for sexual acts in front of a camera. These videos are then posted online so that you may spank to them.

This is an account of a day in the life of Dave and Jake.


A Gaudio/Heller Presentation

Dave and Jake

Dave: So what are we doing today man? We bangin’ hot sluts?
Jake: Hells yeah!
Dave: “Hells yeah!” Hells yeah! I’m feelin’ like Asian tonight.
Jake: Yeah, man. I’d love to get some Asian. Let’s hit downtown.

(15 later, Downtown)

“I ruv ya cock, armost as much as I ruv dis chicken!”

Jake: Hey man. See that hot little number over their eating a banana sandwich with her puppy?
Dave: I’d like to give her my banana sandwich. And maybe even my puppy.
Jake: Yeah man. Let’s go talk to her.

(Exit vehicle)

Dave: Hey baby how you doin’ today?
Slut: Oh…yes….yes….me?
Dave: Yeah you.
Dave: Yeah that’s good. You are fine.
Slut: Wha?
Dave: Nothing slut. So what are you doin’ this afternoon?
Slut: Uh…juss wait for ma girrfren.
Dave: You look like that banana sandwich just ain’t enough for ya.
Jake: How about I get you some free General Tso’s with fried rice in the next 15 minutes?
Slut: Wha you mean? How I do dat?
Dave: Just come inside my van here.

(15 minutes later)

Slut: I ruv ya cock, armost as much as I ruv dis chicken!
Jake: How does my democracy feel inside your Red China, bitch?
Slut: Rike FREEDOM!
Jake: Pow! Pow! Pow!
Slut: Yesh! I ruv it!
Dave: Pow, Pow? Hahahahaha, more like KUNG POW!

(Black screen)

Jake: Yeah man that was nice, now let’s hit a club. I’ve got jungle fever.
Dave: I’ve got jungle MALARIA.
Jake: Is that right? Let’s go get us some ebony ass!
Dave: Maybe this time I get to touch her?
Jake: Don’t count on it.
Dave: First a swing by KFC.

(15 minutes later, at the KFC drive-thru)

Attendant: Hi and welcome to KFC, what can I get for you?
Jake: A bucket of fried chicken, 12 biscuits and….uh…what do “most people” usually get here when they order?
Attendant: Oh you mean…. black people? Basically what you ordered…a big tub of gravy…mashed potatoes….
Jake: You sell condoms?
Attendant: Condoms at KFC?
Dave: Hell girl, it’s 2007!
Attendant: We have condoms in the bathroom…
Dave: We’ll take four of all of each.

(30 minutes later outside of The Scarecrow Dance Club)

Dave: Hey ladies, how you doing?
Chickenhead 1: HEYYYYYYYYY BOI!
Chickenhead 2: HOLLA.
Jake: You hongry?
CH #1: What?
CH #2: You best not be messin’. I’m STARVIN.
Dave: What would do for my snizzle-snack-wrapz?

(Author’s note: This feels strangely like a McDonald’s commercial right now…. Girl, I know you want that snizzle-snack-wrapz.)

CH #1: For real?
CH #2: I’d do about anything at this point.

(15 minutes later)

Jake: That’s right ho! You lick that thigh…out of that pussy.
Chickenheads (in unison): Oh yeah, I like that white meat!
Dave: Hey Jake, you want to grab the whip? These girls look like they want to be dominated!

(Complete silence)


(Black screen)

Jake: Wow, we made great time back from the river.
Dave: Yeah…I’m glad we took care of…that.
Jake: You know what?
Dave: Yeah! We should play Limp Bizkit!
Jake: Uh…. No?

(“Nookie” plays from the van’s radio)

(Author’s note: If you don’t realize why this joke is at least intended to be funny, please see urbandictionary.com and brush up on your fuckin’ orgy slang.)

Jake: God. No.
Dave: Know why I’m playin’ this?
Jake: Fuck no.
Dave: ‘Cause I’m feelin’ like rockin’ those slutty white girls.
Jake: It’s burger time.

(10 minutes later at McDonald’s drive-thru)

Jake: Hi, I’d like five double cheeseburgers and a large fry.
Attendant: Ohhhh yesh.
Dave: Uh…how much?
Attendant: Seven.
Dave: Seven even?
Attendant: Ohhhh yesh. Yesh. Prease pull round.
Jake: Okay…

(Pulled around)

Asian Slut From Earlier: Ohhh, ish youuuuu.
Dave: Shit…well uh…how was that stuff we gave you after you reheated it?
ASFE: Not ash good ash earria.
Jake: Uh…how’s your…dog?
ASFE: You bout to eat him.
D & J in unison: UHHHHHHHHH. Thanks…

(15 minutes later in Wal-Mart)

Trailer Trash: How you boys doing?
Dave: Yeah we’re looking for hot sluts to bang but there aren’t any around….
TT: Well I’ll fuck ya.
Jake: Well I have half an eaten burger left…you want that?
TT: Why sure! It’s already on my checklist to bring home for Bobby Jo Junior!
Jake: Uhhh.
TT: I haven’t eaten anything but cookies and crystal meth for the last week.
Dave: Well let’s get going then…

(10 seconds later in the sporting goods department)

(Author’s note: Wal-Mart really does have stores that are well-organized. If you want to fuck in Wal-Mart, in any section, you can be there within 10 seconds, AT MOST.)

(Author’s note: Try the maternity section.)

Dave: C’mon man, give it to her.
Jake: Dude, throw me a rubber band or something. She’s loose as fuck.
TT: Are you gon’ call me?
Jake: Fuck no, bitch! You ain’t got no telephone.
Dave: We wouldn’t want to interrupt your stories
TT: I needs a man!
Jake: Let’s get the fuck out of here.

(Black screen)

Author’s Note about Racism:

Racism is a wonderful driving force in today’s economy and moreover, social strata. This article was intended to display the magnanimous power that lies within that hatred. It should always be known that in order to progress as a species, we should embrace and deride each other’s differences to the full extent of legality.

(Save Darfur)

The End.

This has been yet another Gaudio/Heller Homily.