I have some bad news for the young men and women of today. I work near Fashion Avenue, and sometimes I see the new styles before anybody else in the 49 other crappy states in this country. Most of the time, if I hate a fashion trend (big sunglasses, poofs, underpants) it becomes the “It” thing.

And I hate the newest style.

It’s disgusting, really. Designers have de-sexualized the female form for the last time. I will start the revolt before these awful clothes come to stores. We feminists (that’s right, I respect the ladies) should stop these rags before they make some chauvinistic pig any riches. Ladies! Stand up for yourselves! Write to your congresspeople (notice I didn’t say “congressmen”)! Blow your local PIC writer!

It’s atrocious, awful and un-American. This is what the terrorists want, and if we sit back and let it happen, Al-Qaeda members will deflower 44 more virgin goat-women in their dirt heaven. None of us, especially the goat whores, want this to happen.

What is the sign of the apocalypse? It’s almost too awful to say. But here it is, the next gross fashion violation we’re going to see in no time:

High-waist jeans for girls.

Who wants to date a girl with a short, low-rise skirt? Not me! I prefer my girls to dress like 90-year-old men with their waistbands up to the their shoulders. On top of jeans covering their butts and guts, I’d also prefer if my women wore luchadore masks, golf cleats, Huggies Pull-Ups and my dad’s pit-stained t-shirts. Burn that image in your head men.

In the meantime can women start putting gray streaks and Rogaine all over their pubes? I am an adventurous man, and enjoy challenges. I hate having a nicely-packaged vagina. I prefer something difficult to find and open.

And we’ll have to do something about the flowery smell of the young woman’s magic garden. Young nubile women should douche themselves with a moldy mixture of some week-old leftover beef with broccoli soaked in lead paint and tobacco chew spit. That would lighten my mood when I want to munch box. What can I say, I like pungency.

Also, I think it’s high time to do something about vaginal walls. Nature just hasn’t done enough for women. Maybe we can find a way to line crevices with barbed wire and razors (hey, it worked in that farmer’s daughter joke). After that, let’s think of ways to dry out the beef curtains. Lubrication is for sissies. I want to feel like I’m getting a blowjob from an alligator with a mouthful of sand.

Perhaps we can go one step further to eliminate curves on a woman. How about we just make cardboard boxes fashionable. Bedazzle them with glitter and paint them pink. Put a cell phone pocket in the back too. Voila! Fashion.

Who the crap thinks like this?

Why not combine the ultra-high jeans with the other fashion I hate the most: those stupid tops with belts underneath the boobs that make every girl look like she’s in maternity clothes. When I look at blonde girls, I want to see “sex symbol,” not “knocked-up skank.”

At the beginning I said this was bad for both women and men. How? Well, with the added four inches to the waist, it looks to me like pants are going to have five buttons instead of the regular solitary gatekeeper. It’s going to make it that much harder to stick your hand down your girlfriend’s jeans or unbutton her pants for naked time.

Why do designers do this type of thing?

Do they hate plumbers crack? Look, I don’t see the problem with any kind of cleavage, and in fact, I appreciate every type. Boob cleavage. Butt cleavage. Vaginal cleavage. Cleavage brings two beautiful things together. Don’t hate it. Great things should go together: blowjobs, beer and baseball; blowjobs, beer and cartoons; and blowjobs, beer and porn.

Is it to eliminate the muffin-top look that chubby girls display when they wear low-rise jeans? Why should sweet sweet hotties be punished because of fat girls? Then again, why should I have to suffer?

I say change is bad. Let’s stay with the miniskirt trend forever. A message to females of all shapes and sizes: “The men of this world like the easy access of low-rise everything. It makes you look so much hotter, plus, it gives us a good view of your crack from time to time. We like that.”

Of course, you ladies all know you were put on this planet to make us happy, but since none of you cook or clean anymore, at least let us enjoy your bodies. Or looking at your bodies.

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