A while back I wrote an article titled "Don't Worry New Hampshire, You Still Blow in a Big Way" which honestly I didn't think people would take SO seriously. It all started when I read an article about New Hampshire losing the record for the strongest wind gust to Australia and the entire state of New Hampshire being really upset about it. Frankly, I thought it was hilarious that anyone could give a shit about a single wind gust that much, so I thought it would be funny to write a comedic rant about the state and how ridiculous they were for clinging to a silly little weather record.

Vladimir Putin
Putin Andrei to death for those Pointless, Painful, Putin Puns!
Well, the shit hit the fan harder and faster than their famous wind ever blew. Apparently the article got posted on several New Hampshire fan club sites, linked to by a New Hampshire Facebook group, and distributed through a couple of other New Hampshire-loving organizations. As expected by the kindhearted and loving residents of New Hampshire, I received lots of caring, supportive sentiments wishing me all the best in my future and praising my hilarity. Actually no, the whole state went fucking nuts! Hate mail and death threats ensued the likes of which have not been seen since Russia declared war on a single person for writing a comedy article about Vladimir Putin (um yeah, that was me too).

Well I am here to finally make amends, New Hampshire, because I saw you in the news again, only this time it was for something more noteworthy than a 76-year-old gust of fucking wind! It turns out New Hampshire has a new record to boast about and this one finally gets the "job" done when it comes to blowing.

Penises in the Northeast United States
You have to admit the state is kind of shaped like one.
Apparently, New Hampshire is the state with the largest penises in America—and I'm not just talking about the people who commented on my first article. A recent survey published by Condomania, a custom condom maker, announced unique rankings of the 50 states and the 20 most populated U.S. cities by average penis size. Yes, New Hampshire took the #1 spot for being the state with the biggest dicks in the country. While this may not come as a surprise to the residents of Vermont, who have long suspected the state of having the biggest dicks, it did surprise many who thought all of New Hampshire's talk of heavy blowing was ONLY about the wind.

Here are some highlights from Condomania's penis database:

  • Top Ranking State by Average Penis Size: New Hampshire (Clearly just FULL of really big dicks)
  • Lowest Ranking State by Average Penis Size: Wyoming (WY US!?)
  • Top Ranking U.S. City by Average Penis Size: New Orleans (The REALLY BIG Easy)
  • Second Highest Ranking City (just behind N.O.): Washington, D.C. (Not just big talk, big egos, and big promises anymore)
  • Lowest Ranking City by Average Penis Size: Dallas/Ft. Worth (Apparently not everything is bigger in Texas.)
  • Blue States vs Red States: Blue States' Average Penis Size is Bigger! (Democrats may be portrayed as asses, but they are Elephants where it counts)
  • Penises Come in a Wide Range of Sizes: The Smallest Penises are Less Than 3" in Length and the Largest Penises are Longer Than 10" in Length (Fortunately vaginas come in a wide range of sizes also)
  • Penis Sizes Chart Almost a Perfect Bell Curve: 25% of the Male Population is Under 5" in Length, 50% are Between 5" and 6" in Length and 25% are Longer than 6" in Length (Ring your curvy belle and let her have it all)

50 States Ordered by Penis Size

  • 1. New Hampshire
  • 2. Oregon
  • 3. New York
  • 4. Indiana
  • 5. Arizona
  • 6. Hawaii
  • 7. Louisiana
  • 8. Massachusetts
  • 9. Alabama
  • 10. Washington
  • 11. New Mexico
  • 12. California
  • 13. Arkansas
  • 14. Nevada
  • 15. Virginia
  • 16. Tennessee
  • 17. Illinois
  • 18. Oklahoma
  • 19. South Dakota
  • 20. Georgia
  • 21. Pennsylvania
  • 22. Mississippi
  • 23. Michigan
  • 24. Florida
  • 25. Rhode Island
  • 26. Kansas
  • 27. Maryland
  • 28. Minnesota
  • 29. Vermont
  • 30. Connecticut
  • 31. Wisconsin
  • 32. New Jersey
  • 33. North Dakota
  • 34. Idaho
  • 35. Texas
  • 36. Missouri
  • 37. Montana
  • 38. Ohio
  • 39. Nebraska
  • 40. Colorado
  • 41. Maine
  • 42. North Carolina
  • 43. Delaware
  • 44. South Carolina
  • 45. Kentucky
  • 46. West Virginia
  • 47. Alaska
  • 48. Iowa
  • 49. Utah
  • 50. Wyoming

20 Cities Ordered by Penis Size

  • 1. New Orleans
  • 2. Washington DC
  • 3. San Diego
  • 4. New York City
  • 5. Phoenix
  • 6. Portland
  • 7. Atlanta
  • 8. San Francisco
  • 9. Chicago
  • 10. St. Louis
  • 11. Seattle
  • 12. Miami
  • 13. Indianapolis
  • 14. Columbus
  • 15. Boston
  • 16. Denver
  • 17. Los Angeles
  • 18. Detroit
  • 19. Philadelphia
  • 20. Dallas/Ft. Worth

Old Man in the Mountain
Even Viagra couldn't keep this Old Man up!
I get it now New Hampshire, clearly you were just trying to tell us something all these years with the obsession over really heavy blowing and rock hard iconic imagery that inevitably just falls flaccid. Your wind record and your Old Man of the Mountain obsession was really just a cry for attention without actually spelling out what you really wanted everyone to know. Fortunately for you though, Condomania has exposed what New Hampshire really should have been known for all these years. New Hampshire shouldn't be known for stupid wind or vague faces on rocks, but rather for the gigantic penises that reside there.

New Hampshire has Biggest Dicks sign
Seriously though, no hard feelings.
New Hampshire, I know I was a little hard on you before when you lost your precious wind gust record, but honestly I was totally just kidding. Truth be told, I thought you all had better senses of humor and if I had known otherwise, I would have never written the article in the first place. Nobody should take ANYTHING seriously around here and my article was meant as one big joke which I thought most of you would relate to. So in order to make amends, I am helping spread the world about your new and well deserved record of officially being a state full of really big dicks. Oh and New Hampshire, I also just want to say that I sincerely hope there are no hard feelings of any kind.