>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
September 20, 2006
Nathan: Why did we ever break up?
Jen: You mean besides your excessive drinking, late hours and cheating on me?
Nathan: You were great.
Jen: Fuck you.
Men, there are a lot of you out there who just don’t understand how to properly address the females in your lives. And well, because I was thinking long and hard about this while my landlady sucked me off, I have decided to address for you the rules on how to treat your women. You gotta have rules.
To properly understand how your women deserve to be treated, we must take a look at the five types of girls in your life (because they must all be handled differently—women are like flowers: they smell nice). The five types of women in your life are the hookup, the random slut, the booty call/fuck buddy, a girl you’re dating, and finally, your girlfriend.
Now, please understand that I advocate treating all women that you stick your dick into the following way: always pay on dates, never lie (after the first time you fuck them), open doors for them, and never hit them. If you’re fucking her, and she’s not worth that, well my friend, you’re either a porn star (lucky bastard) or you have female-respect issues that probably stem from all the times you heard your mom fucking random men in the next room during your formative years. May want to look into that.
"You met this chick and within a few hours you were fucking her. You think she hasn’t done this before? Dude, you ain’t that charming."
Anyway, there are subtle ways we treat the women in our lives that let them know exactly where they stand. Here they are.
The hookup is some random chick you took home and fucked. You probably just spent the evening lying about what you do for a living (“no really, I got drafted by the Yankees”), telling her how much you love kids, and showering her with compliments. For whatever reason, she went home with you anyway.
You wake up to discover that she’s still in your bed. You rack your brain to try and find the answer to the question, “Do I want this chick back in my life?”
If the answer is no, then you don’t really have any rules to follow besides the basic chick-who-you-fucked rules—politely thank her for her time, open the door on the way out for her, and if she doesn’t have a car, give her cab fare. If at any time she starts crying, I recommend ignoring her completely. She’s probably insane.
If you decide that you do want this woman to come back, you are obligated to offer her breakfast and try your best to remember her name. After that, if you still want her around, she becomes a random slut and the rules change slightly.
The random slut is a hookup that you allowed back into your life.
Now, you may not like the words “random slut” but be honest with yourself. You met this chick and within a few hours you were fucking her. You think she hasn’t done this before? Dude, you ain’t that charming.
You must treat the random slut the same as the hookup, with a few exceptions. First, you are allowed to do her one act of kindness if and only if said act is an emergency near you. You don’t take this chick to the airport; you don’t drive ten miles to fix her car; you don’t do anything you wouldn’t do for the hookup besides help her with an immediate problem that happens within three hundred feet of your place. If she comes to your door covered in grease complaining about a blown tire, well, then you can help her. I mean, I can’t stress enough how rare an occasion this has to be.
Also, you’re obligated to keep a clean towel for her at your place. It’s only fair.
The Booty Call/Fuck Buddy
The booty call/fuck buddy is a chick you really like to fuck. Therefore, she gets to leave a toothbrush at your place. Everything else (clothes, make-up, whatever) gets thrown into the street if she doesn’t take it home within 72 hours of leaving it there.
A Girl You’re Dating
The girl you’re dating is a woman who, after fucking, you actually want to talk to. She gets to leave no more than ten items at your place. Also, you are obligated to occasionally make love to her while you’re sober. It’s the right thing to do.
The girlfriend is the girl you let meet your mom. Therefore, she is now a real human who you must see in a different light (don’t ask me why this is, but it’s true.) Because of this, she is also allowed to suggest movies, dining choices, decorations, and clothes for your wardrobe.
Also, at this point, you’re not allowed to fuck anyone else.
So now you know how you should be treating the women in your life. Remember, women are people. And as such, they need to be treated with a certain level of decorum. There’s really no need to treat them any worse than I have outlined above.
Unless they’re really annoying and just won’t leave.