>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf

August 23, 2006

Nathan: Yeah, it looks like Nick Gaudio is retiring from Points in Case.
Gaudio…. Isn’t he the one that always wrote about his dick?
Aww, I’m gonna miss him.

Approximately one year ago, my friend Stern made me promise not to laugh while he told me something serious. I told him that I couldn’t laugh at anything serious, and tried to let him know a little bit about comedy. As always, he interrupted me.

“Dude,” he said, “I’ve been letting my girlfriend fuck me up the ass with a strap on dildo.”

You have no idea how much I wish I was making this up.

Now Stern (like that’s his real name) has always been kind of a metrosexual guy. He gets his eyebrows waxed, he wears nice clothes and expensive cologne, and he’s been known to watch the occasional chick flick… but well, I never thought he was gay.

“Stern doesn't view it as getting fucked up the ass. He likes to think of it as having his prostate gland stimulated.”

You’re not gay, are you? ” I asked, as we drove from his house to purchase beer.

“What if I was? Would you stop being my friend or something?”

“Of course not. I’m just asking.”

“Why would you ask that?”

“Dude,” I said. “You’re taking it up the ass and you’re wondering why I would ask that? Are you fucked up or something?”

“No.” he replied. “It’s just that my girl said that I couldn’t fuck her up the ass unless she fucked me up the ass, and I was thinking, ‘well, that seems fair.’”

“You’re fucking twisted.”

Stern later went on to explain to me that he doesn’t view having a girl fuck him from behind with a strap on dildo as getting fucked up the ass. He likes to think of it as having his prostate gland stimulated.

To which I replied, “Yeah, it’s stimulated by having a dildo shoved up your ass, weirdo.”

At this point in the conversation, Stern told me that I was closed-minded and that I really ought to give some thought to allowing a girl to shove something up my ass. He even went as far as to tell me what kind of dildo I should start with (one of those little, G-spot stimulators, in case you were curious) before graduating to the larger models. I don’t think I need to waste this chunk of cyberspace to let you know that Stern’s fucked up, but well, I am. Stern is fucked up.

Anyway, Stern and his woman are still together to this day. They recently celebrated a full year together. And well, they’re both still taking it up the ass.

I guess all is fair in love and war. I just didn’t know how fair.

In case you were looking for it, this story has no moral.