>>> Primal Urges
By guest writer Bunni Cayne

July 5, 2006

In case you don't read my blog, The Nate Way, you might want to know that I held a breakup pool, whereby readers got to guess when my ex and I would break up. The winner got to guest write a column for me. Bunni Cayne, a reformed stripper and published author won that contest. This is her column.

I’ll admit it, I’m not really a comedy writer. In fact, I’m not even that funny, and what amuses me generally doesn’t make other people laugh. When I won this contest my first thought was, “Sweet, maybe I’ll go down to Florida and see if Nate is really as slutty as he seems.” Seconds later I thought, “Oh fuck, I have to be funny.”

So I tried. And I failed.

So instead of torturing you with contrived jokes, I decided to make a list of my favorite moments in sci-fi movie history—because if Chamley can get away with not being very funny and making lists, hey, why can’t I?

“I’m a Jew, so I love anything by Mel Brooks—I think it’s in the Torah that I have to. May the Schwartz be with you.”

Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back (1980)

Who can possibly forget the climactic “behanding” of Luke Skywalker by his own father, Darth Vader? Fortunately, light saber wounds cauterize by their very nature, and no blood was lost, except bad family blood. Nothing like finding out Darth Vader is your

father and having him cut your hand off on the same day. Poor Luke. How much can a young Jedi take? The first time I ever wanted to dress up and play “Nurse Naughty” was after this scene. Seriously, Mark Hamill was hot.

The Terminator (1984)

Remember when the Terminator tracked down Sarah Connor to a police station, coining that ubiquitous household phrase of the 80's and beyond, “I'll be back?” Of course you do, you’ve said it a million times since then.

Alien (1979)

Dinner was never the same after Kane (John Hurt) haplessly became a living incubator for an alien chest-burster in this classic sci-fi shocker moment. Perhaps just as strong a memory: the speed at which the little alien ran off the scene after growling at the ship's crew like a whacked-out Jack Russell Terrier.

Back to the Future (1985)

Quick! What happens when a Delorean equipped with a flux capacitor is juiced up to 1.21 gigawatts and sped up to 88 mph? Back to the Future, that's what! This awesome twin-tire flame scene is symbolic of the film’s premise of cause and effect, while shuttling between two temporal frames. (All the dorks in the house say YEEE-AAHH!)

Star Trek TV series (1966)

I'll confess, I don't remember the exact details of this scene, mostly because I hate Star Trek. However, I did once date a huge Trekker; the only reason I know anything about this.

First, it has two classic elements in it: a shirtless Sulu hopped up on some type of toxin, chasing crew members around with a dueling sword, and finally subdued by Spock's famous “Vulcan neck pinch.” How many generations of school kids grew up with bruised collar bones in a bold attempt to send others where no kid has gone before…the unconscious? Even Spock is baffled by such numbers.

Planet of the Apes (1968)

The heart-stopping climax to the original Planet of the Apes saw missing astronaut Taylor in insane contortions of fury, raging, “You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell!” Doomsday themes were common back in the Cold War era, but this indelible finale by Heston may just overshadow and summarize them all. Marky-Mark had nothing on Charlton Heston. But I’m thinking he looks better in his Calvins.

Forbidden Planet (1956)

This terrifying example of early Hollywood animation is Dr. Edward Morbius's (Walter Pidgeon) “Id Beast,” a manifestation of his inner rage projected into reality through a sprawling super-computer built by an extinct race of aliens called the Krell.

Just as memorable: the final few minutes of the movie when the Krell-enhanced physical manifestation of Morbius' id melts through several layers of impenetrable doors, stopped only by Morbius' realization that the beast is his own Freudian spawn.

Trust me, this movie is amazing when you’re stoned off your ass.

Spaceballs (1987)

The plot? Planet Spaceball's President Scroob sends Lord Dark Helmet to steal Planet Druidia's abundant supply of air to replenish their own, and only Lone Starr can stop them. Mel Brook’s characteristic writer/director/actor triple-stamp also puts this one into the “timeless comedy classics” genre (Spaceballs being, of course, the over-the-top Star Wars spoof).

Plus, I’m a Jew, so I love anything by Mel Brooks—I think it’s in the Torah that I have to. May the Schwartz be with you.

Flesh Gordon (1974)

A parody of the serial “Flash Gordon” with a strong, sexual, campy flavor. The best scene shows Dr. Flexi Jerkoff brandishing his mighty “power pasties” in an effort to save Earth from the evil Dr. Wang and his insidious Sex Ray. A drive-in favorite of the 70's, Flesh Gordon is just as bawdy and haughty today, though many of the scenes are only funny if you've seen the original. This is easily one of the best porn spoofs out there!

There you have it, my all-time greatest sci-fi movie moments list, as seen through the eyes of a stripper. I hope you laughed, but even if you didn't, well, frankly I don't care—I took care of my end of the bargain. Time to go finish packing…I'll let you know if Nate lasts as long as he says he does.