>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
March 8, 2006

Luke: Man, she’s hot.
Brian: She’s in high school.
Luke: Junior or Senior?
Brian: You see, this is why people say you’re fucked up.

The truth of the matter is, we don’t know what the truth of the matter is. But we’re determined to find out. And by “we,” I of course mean me, the dedicated scientist, working his best to get to the bottom of the sludge pool that is the questions of life. I don’t do this for me. I don’t do this for this website. I don’t even do this for the American people. I do this because I am led by a much stronger force. And that force, naturally, is located between my legs. But I digress…

This week’s column isn’t about me and how I struggle daily to unearth the truth of human nature; rather, this is about a question that has plagued humanity (and by humanity, I mean me) for many years. That question: why is the legal age for consensual adult sex in this country set at eighteen?

Now, I know what some of you may be thinking. But believe me, this is not as cut and dry an issue as you may think. For example, in almost every European country, the legal age of consent is 16. In certain Asian countries, it’s even lower. And, as the gap between the US and its foreign counterparts closes, I think it’s time we at least explore the possibility that these Euro spenders and chopstick-using outsiders may be onto something. So, because it has worked before, I am dusting off the old pro and con format so that we (and yes, I think you know by now that by we I mean me, er, I) may get to the bottom of this painstakingly important issue.

Please keep in mind that I am addressing the pros and cons of changing the legal age of consent to 16. Any lower than that, and well, I think we could seriously have problems. Now, without anymore introductory mumbo-jumbo, let’s (to borrow a phrase from the redneck parlance of our time) get ‘er done.

Pros

  • If the legal age of consent were 16, I could flirt with every cute cashier I run into without worrying that I might be on the cusp of breaking a law.
  • If the legal age of consent were 16, women would most likely marry older men, who would die sooner, and thus leave them a whole bunch of money that they could use to work less.
  • If the legal age of consent were sixteen, there would be a lot fewer criminal cases for the police to investigate. This way, the cops could focus on important stuff, like who stole my skateboard when I was 8 (the lazy bitches never even tried to get to the bottom of that one).
  • If the legal age of consent were 16, there would be less child pornography. I mean, leering at a 16-year-old hottie is just normal. Lump the fans of 16- and 17-year-olds into the pile of freaks made up in part by those kiddie-porn weirdos, and you’re just being unfair to everyone. As the man says, everything ain’t black and white. There are many shades and stuff.
  • If the legal age of consent were 16, more young girls would get pregnant in high school, leading to less young girls in school, causing that ever important decrease in class size. (Are you listening, President Bush? That was an important sentence your aid just read to you. You may want to have him or her read it again.)

Cons

  • If the legal age of consent were 16… shit, I can’t think of anything.

Clearly, I have adequately explored this issue, and yet I could not find a single downside to changing the legal age of consent from 18 to 16 years old. And in truth, I’m really just trying to help the girls with this column. I mean, they do mature faster than boys and all. Why deny them the chance to prove their maturity unto the society that seems to deem them the weaker sex? I mean, is this 2006 or isn’t it? Please people, band together. Help the women of America by lowering the age of consent in the USA to 16 years old.

If you won’t do it for me, America, at least do it for our country and its amazing females.

Nate’s note: Please keep in the mind that none of this changes the fact that I will not break the law and sleep with a woman (girl?) under the age of 18. I am a law abiding citizen. Now, if the law was changed…


More Like This

Comedy Courses