>>> Primal Urges
By staff writer Nathan DeGraaf
December 13, 2006

Nathan: Is it more important that something be true or entertaining?
Royce:
That depends on whether I get laid or not.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Valencia,

First allow me to offer my deepest apologies for the death of your daughter. I’ve heard that suicide can be a very difficult thing for a family to deal with. And I wish you a swift recovery and a quick mourning. I know it must hurt.

Now, I know we’ve never actually met, and that is one of the first things for which I feel I need to apologize. Your daughter and I were a couple for the few months before her death. Basically (and I know this is hard for you to hear but the truth will set you free and all that), your daughter was really trying my patience. Now, she was amazing in bed, totally willing to try new things, and generally a great fuck, but… well, I hated her.

I mean I really hated her.

“I had no way of knowing she would kill herself. I mean, besides all the suicide threats she emailed me.”

I hated how clingy she was, how stubborn she was, and how she wouldn’t shut the fuck up about movies I wouldn’t watch and music I hated. And I really hated how mad she got when I fucked other women. She was really driving me nuts.

I tried breaking up with her. But she kept coming back. So, I had to get verbally abusive. I thought if I called her every name in the book, made fun of her appearance, and was rude to all of her friends, that she would eventually get fed up and leave me. That, however, did not work. She just kept coming back. I would think I was rid of her, and she would show up at my door in a negligee with a 12 pack of beer. I mean, what red-blooded, heterosexual male could say no to that?

Eventually, I found something that did work. I phoned her while fucking her roommate and told her (with her roommate’s screams in the background) that she could find all of her stuff out front on my porch. She came by, threatened to kill her roommate, and made so much noise that my neighbors called the cops. That really pissed me off.

I’ll never forget the look in her eyes as the cops hauled her away.

“Nate, is it really over?” she asked.

“Of course it is,” I said. “It’s been over for weeks.”

Now, I should have been more mature about the whole situation, and for that I apologize. Please understand that I had no way of knowing she would kill herself. I mean, besides all the suicide threats she emailed me.

I only hope that this letter sets the record straight and does not deter you from having fond memories of your daughter. If it helps, you should know that she would have made a great wife and mother. She was loyal, knew her way around a kitchen and was very nurturing.

It’s just too bad she was a basket case.

Yours in Christ,
Nathan