For every hot girl out there, there's a dude who's tired of fucking her.

I originally conceived my "Thank Me Later" column as a way for me to pass on my knowledge to the younger folks out there. I read Ann Landers, Dear Abby and Miss Manners as often as possible because I secretly want to be an advice columnist. I hope I made it perfectly clear that I have no skills for the real world, but I know how to live a good life and have fun—which is probably why nobody asks me for advice.

Three hot college girlsEyes on the prize, lads. These girls aren't gonna fuck themselves. (Well, maybe they are, but that's supposed to be your job.)Also, most people will listen to the thoughtful words of your advice, and then do the exact opposite.

The second best advice I've ever heard is from my Grandpa Bob, who once told me this brilliant gem: "Wear earplugs when you're using a jackhammer." Sure this maxim is useful when you are breaking up concrete, but I think it can be applied to many more situations. Plus, my grandpa is nearly deaf, so I hope to learn from his mistakes.

My freshman year I looked to the older (disgusting, immature, douchey) guys to teach me stellar lessons about the opposite sex, which I desperately needed—and probably still need. Here are some wise words from people who aren't me:

"Don't exclusively date a freshman in her first semester of college. You have no idea if she's going to get fat, break out with a bunch of zits, or just let herself get hairy and gross. Only sophomores and up. Or high school chicks. They never get fat or old."

A dude from the wrestling team told me, "Just walk around saying, ‘I like to eat pussy!' You're sure to score with somebody, even though you'll have to eat pussy."

Some schools make you take a gym class. If you're a straight guy (and it's cool if you're not), take a dance class. Then a rugby player informed me of an even more obscene ways to get chicks. "So you're afraid of approaching girls? Next time you're at a party just hang your dick out of your zipper. The first girl to come up and say, ‘Hey, your dick is hanging out of your zipper,' has obviously seen a lot of cock and is probably a whore who will fuck you. Or she's, like, a pre-med student or something."

When I graduated and start working "real jobs," the older men always wanted to teach me something about life—and by "life" I mean "chicks." One of my old newspaper editors kept these adages in his repertoire: "Make sure your first marriage is for love. Your second for money." He also said, "Start drinking now, because you'll need that tolerance the farther you get into life." My other boss told me, "Make sure you're awesome at eating pussy. Shuts your wife right up."

I've heard a million pieces of advice both good and bad. Sometimes the most life-changing words come from the people you least expect. Like homeless people. Ha. Just kidding. There aren't homeless people any more.

But there are still high school Spanish teachers. And sometimes these bilingual geeks know some shit. So here are the wisest words I've ever heard in my entire life:

"Casey, when you're in college, some schools make you take a gym class. If you're a straight guy (and it's cool if you're not), take a dance class. Don't take weightlifting or basketball or football. Take dance class. Who gives a damn if your friends make fun of you? While they're sweating all over each other, you're going to be surrounded by chicks and gay guys—which means all those chicks are yours. Or all the gay guys are yours, if you're into that. But, you'll be the star of the show. Every girl will want to dance with you. And since this is a Catholic high school, I'm not really allowed to tell you anything more. But seriously, take a dance class."

So when I graduated and started university, when I needed to take a physical education class, I asked a few swim team buddies if they wanted to take a dance class with me. Just about every single one of them called me a homo except for good old Anemic Dave. And who would have known it, but we were the most normal straight guys in the class. The ratio was 25 girls to 4 dudes. My high school profesor de Espanol teacher actually wasn't full of caca del toro.

But that's not the end of the story. Unfortunately, I attended South Dakota State University, which might have the least attractive women this side of Octomom's Retard Farm.

So my best advice to you is to transfer to the easiest school you find with the hottest chicks. Sure your family is a legacy at Harvard, but are there hot chicks there? No, but you can be damn sure Maxim picks up plenty of babes from Miami State Community College or the Hawaii's Junior University for Technology and Cosmetology.

You figure out if you want to spend four years of your life (I guess community college is two years, but whatever) hitting the books or banging hot chicks. Make the right decision, and Thank Me Later.

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